Another Death

My family has a small ministry to widows. We love them. It's a joy to spend time with the ladies and invest in them. Of course, I wish I had more time to visit them in their homes or when they are in the hospital. 

Something the Lord has been teaching me this past year is that I simply can't do all I might wish to do, but I need to prayerfully consider how to use the available time He's afforded me. There's only so much time in a day, but there's also only so much bandwidth mentally and emotionally available to expend. Certain fixed responsibilities consume what we have to offer, and after that, we must divide up our resources carefully. This is a reality of aging for this writer, though others who know me best might say it's always been true, apparently I'm just now realizing it. Probably because I'm at capacity, or very near it, most of the time. 

I think in terms of "big rocks in the jar", and that is the monthly gathering for this ministry. There's planning and shopping, plus texting and emailing. Sometimes there are phone calls, but those are the smaller rocks. There's cleaning and food prep, the event, and then more cleaning and laundry and rest. There is card writing, because at least I can do that when the health challenges come. 

Goodbyes are hard. Seeing the strength of the ladies and their love of God is a gift, even as they diminish here. One sweet friend got to say goodbye to us all and that was precious. Another passed and we thought we'd see her again. And now another has left this temporary home and is with her King. In about a month's time, our group has lost these three sweet friends. It's helpful knowing our loss is Heaven's fullness! Each widow had beloved family that had gone on before them, and each loved God and was a born again believer. 

I hope I'm brave like those who were brave. I hope I love like these girls love. They have become such inspirations and a source of comfort to me the past 2 years. I'll miss JG, AMB and TL. It was a privilege to be involved in their lives in a small way. 

Our Actions Impact Others

It isn't special revelation that our actions impact people, but I think we can fail to think through how our actions impact others. When in doubt, don't. That is wise advise I was given once. It is clear when someone has done something against us that they know wasn't above board. They may openly confess it, which is certainly preferred, or they go the route of Aaron regarding the golden calf and say that something 'happened' but leave out their role in it happening. They can also just be resentful and never say they are bothered, making the choice to love their resentment more than the relationship so that the issue never gets resolved well. We can't hold someone accountable for wronging us if they do not realize it, however. That is on us.

The issue is, when we don't rightly deal with relationship strains, other people can get brought into it and are put in a difficult or awkward situation. They've been brought into a circle of sin or offense. When people feel they need to hide something from someone else, it creates distance or discomfort. It might very well just be adults being sensitive to the feelings of others, but it might be that people sense something is wrong and they don't want to be party to it. It might be sin that we're tangoing with. If you have an offense against someone else, or are resentful, then think you've found a way to draw closer to God...you aren't hearing from the Holy Spirit. Just as we need to confess sin before having the right heart attitude with Communion, when we are actively sinning, we have distanced ourself from God so are not hearing clearly from Him. We are much more prone to go by our feelings in such times, and feelings are not the way to righteous living.

Within any organization or friendship, there is a way things are done or should be done. When someone goes rogue, it puts people in a sticky situation. Friendship is built on trust, and when that is compromised, emotional distance inevitably follows. When an organization does things a certain way and a person refuses to follow that, it is rebellious. We are to be at peace with others so far as it depends on us. When we choose to keep resentments piling up so we can one day use them to hurt someone, we are in sin, and there are real consequences to that. 

We don't absolve our guilt, or gain the respect of others, when we dance around the truth of what we've done . Telling someone we've wronged that we didn't do what we did, doesn't amount to saying we're sorry. It also doesn't amount to admitting we did something wrong. We just need to own what we did and why it was wrong. If we're accused of wrong and know in our hearts we did not do that or intend to, we need to evaluate the best course of action. Sometimes a person is seeking to create a dialogue that allows them to continue on a sinful course of action and we must be mindful of that. Sometimes we need to take a step back and see if we were being insensitive. This is where timely confrontations must take place. People cannot be expected to recall details of a situation when a lot of time has passed. Only the one who feels they were wronged is marinating on a hurt for months or years. The other person, unaware of how they were perceived, isn't regurgitating the nuances because in their mind, it is a closed case and all was well.

Said another way, when we have held a grudge against someone but did not seek to clear the air for a long time, we have chosen to harm the relationship. People can't explain themselves or change if they aren't given the opportunity. Too often people who are hurt find ways to lash out, whether overt or subtle, creating a reason for a relationship to end. Hurting people hurt others. This allows avoidance of taking a hard look at the truth or changing. When a person has put someone in the place of God, for example, and they feel God is not helping them, they can then turn on the person and make them out to be the enemy, when in reality, that person was their friend and ally. 

In any relationship, leaving out relevant details shows that you don't respect the person enough to tell them the whole truth, and if you don't, then find friends you will be open and honest with, because when someone can tell they aren't getting the whole story, tension is felt and erodes the relationship. Trust isn't there, and when that happens, there has been a real breakdown in the system. 

Our Idols

What bothers us about others, is often that they are kicking our idols. 

Take the conflict you are in with someone and ask what it is that is making you angry or hurt, to the point you can't get past it. Ask God to how you how you are like that. Is someone not making you feel important enough? Is the problem that you are making the situation all about yourself so that you have elevated your importance beyond what you should? Are people not grateful for you and in turn, have you not been grateful enough? 

Have we let idols slowly ruin a relationship? 

Have we let this make us bitter?

A mark of a true Christian is that sin is accepted and seen. We do not turn on those who shed light on our sin, making them our enemy when in fact, they are loving us the most by being straight-forward with us.

There is a way that seems right to a man and it's end is death. Go God's way. 

Understanding Friends

The reality is, when a complicated trial comes, you find out who to go to for comfort. Some people try but fail. They may not be able to understand and suggest unhelpful things, so it just isn't comforting. It is taxing when stupid suggestions are made because they think without research, they understand. Some people do not try. The reasons are varied. Maybe they've also not researched, so they lack empathy. Some folks don't have the capacity to understand, but are good at being compassionate and caring. They feel your pain and sacrifice their time in order to pray and check in. Those friends are treasures. They carry you through. They buoy you when your heart is breaking and you feel desperate. It's likely when you have friends like that, you've done the same for them. Compassion has a beautiful way of coming back to us. God shows His loving care in that dynamic, and we can't experience it if we're never the one needing the help. We can't always be the giver, even though we might want to be.

Feeling despondent and sad cannot last long. It's too heavy. One must trust the Lord in such times. To do otherwise is terrible. Travailing in prayer and Bible study is very important. I'm reminded of the Mandisa song, You Are My Lifeline. We sure see that when we're in anguish. The friends who are with us in all the stages become such beloved people. Don't rob them of the opportunity to help you. Likewise, don't tell yourself they won't care and thus rob yourself of the opportunity to grow closer through your time of need. 

God is faithful and will not let us be tempted beyond that which we are able to withstand. Why are you downcast oh my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance, and my God! Having done all, stand firm in your faith. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. It is God who is at work in you. Cast your burdens upon Him, for He cares for you. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. Great is His faithfulness ❤️. As others have done before you,  encourage yourself in the Lord. Even with great friends. There's no substitute for praise and the Lord. 

Power of Prayer

Often I don't share prayer requests. People have so many of their own. I try to be discreet as well. That said, sometimes several struggles come along all at once. If trouble impacts those closest to me, I'm generally sharing with others so they can pray with me. 

This past week, my beloved sister fell quite ill. She's been in a hospital that's about 7 hours from me because we're on vacation. It's been very difficult to not be with her. We pray, and I've asked many others to pray. Mostly friends I've prayed for in the past. That's how love goes, right? We bear one another's burdens. If we believe the heart of God is moved by prayer, then we ought to beseech Him when we've got needs. He's the Great Physician, so He's who we go to. 

During this same time period, my middle daughter took a hard hit and fell backwards onto concrete, sustaining a concussion that lasted several days. Five days later, she still finds bright lights to hurt her eyes. She was feeling ill when the collision occurred, and has been sick a couple of times already this summer. She's a delicate girl, and this job has been a very new endeavor for her.  Working at a physically and emotionally demanding job is quite the opposite of a government type computer science internship. I'm so grateful for the friends who have prayed for her healing. We're blessed to be in a church where everyone knows each of us. 

It's a balance to be found: troubling others with our needs or keeping them between us and God. Pride can keep us from asking, and it can compel us to ask when we ought to hold off. 

Being on this particular vacation, I used to enjoy being off my phone and computer all week. We are still not on the computer doing normal life,  but I've been on my phone a lot for the first time. There's just no way with the health issues and two kids working where they barely get free time to text or call. It's a season. God is faithful to give us the rest we need in other ways. To be broken and spilled out for His use is my dream. At the end of this life, I hope all who know me think of good works I've done to bring glory to the Lord. Whether it be having them over, praying with them, giving them something they needed, or doing something for them. What else is this life for?

The Sting of Death and Remembering

Technology is such a blessing and a curse. I'm torn at the moment on which it is. I've just finished reading an email exchange between my dear old friend and myself from Aug 2015. My friend has been with the Lord for 8 years now, so this was not terribly long before the end of her life. The end was so unexpected and tragic. Out of it was born another wonderful friendship for me between her mom and me. That sweet friendship lasted until 2024 when she, at 93, said her final farewell. Two great losses from the same family. Both caring listeners with comforting advice. Reading my friend's words just makes me cry. I hear her voice in those words and am flooded with memories on what a comfort she was during some lonely years. The narrow road of raising conservative Christian children was often one where I wished for friends. I had this one friend who understood my concerns and why we just didn't fit with most people. 

God knows what we need when we need it. He knows who we need when we need them. 

I'm not sure how I went from being 41 to 51 so fast. How I went from having a very close friend to being someone who tragically lost my closest friend. We all live with loss and we move forward. God shows us blessings and those do ease the pain of loss. I'd never want to trade the friendship with my friend's mom for anything. She was such a dear lady to me. My first widowed friend as a matter of fact. How I loved that English girl!

It is amazing how we can be so sure we need something only to look back and see that we don't need it presently at all. God is so faithful. He has carried me along and now so many things I recall struggling with, are barely a thing in my world. There's still hints here and there at times, but He has filled gaps, given purpose, and given friends to walk this road of life. I don't have the same needs now as I had as a younger woman. 

He gives a greater grace, and He gives it when we need it. My church family has become so important to me. Moreso than I would have ever thought possible. And God has used the tragedy of my friend's loss to always keep the flame burning of truth in mental health issues and how many of the struggles in that category are not dealt with rightly by the world. My faith in psychology couldn't be lower. My faith in mental hospitals couldn't be lower. My belief that mind altering drugs help people is nearly zero, and when they do, it is a needle in a haystack situation. People struggle with real problems and respect for human life and dignity demands real answers, which come from God and His word and those who know how to use it to help. Hormonal changes from cancer and surgery need a very careful handling. Mind altering drugs are not the answer. We have to have a solution to the crisis a woman's body goes through before we remove all her hormones. 

God's timing is perfect, always. And He knows the end from the beginning, yet somewhere in there is human responsibility and consequences to actions. A lot of things do not add up, and I'm thankful I can take comfort that my friend is with the Lord. That is the only way I can relax and leave it in His hands to have the final justice. 

Signing off tonight, remembering Terri and Rita, with love. ♥

Critical Issues in Biblical Counseling

Here are some trustworthy resources if you want to learn more about this important topic. 🌺

https://www.shepherdpress.com/store/critical-issues/

Why I Rarely Look Back

 It has been an emotional few days, and I've added some activities that haven't made it better. Albeit, unintentionally, but I'm realizing a few things I'll share regarding looking back.

Old photos, old videos, old letters from loved ones who are no longer with us, old stuffed animals, boxes of keepsakes, unfilled photo books from when you had a baby but never used ...do these things point us closer to Christ or do they fill our hearts with sadness?

Maybe some people look through and feel happier. For over 15 years we never had photos of our children around the house. It was very upsetting for me to look back and see the fast passage of time. My husband has been the same way. He also doesn't look back on the anniversary of deaths like some people. He isn't a grave site visitor and doesn't relish looking at old videos or too many pictures of the kids when they were small. I see why. 

My dad and step-mom were here visiting with an impromptu trip the past couple of days. I love seeing my dad, but it is kind of rare, and well, he's 82 and it is difficult to picture life with him gone. I wish we lived closer for easier visiting, but God hasn't granted that prayer. It isn't His will for us to have them over weekly for dinner or even monthly, and that has to be accepted. I've prayed for a long time to be nearer to our family if it is His will, and here we are still after almost 19 years. It's surprising to me and sometimes very frustrating. At other times I am content and just don't think about it, or I see God's wisdom in it and am fine.

During this visit that made me sad and left me confused at times, my dear friend and her family left the area for a new adventure very far away. It has been coming for nearly 7 months, but it is always hard when the trigger is pulled. Life changes so fast and suddenly, even when you are anticipating the newness. If they are like us with the ages of their kids, their whole lives could be lived in this new state, as ours has been here. We arrived when our children were 4, 2 and 8 months. These are pages written by the Lord that gradually unfold and before you know it, it's a book of your life in a certain place for a certain time, full of ups, downs and everything in between. And your children call it home, and it holds something special for them they can't get elsewhere...and to leave it is a big deal for them. 

In the midst of this, I needed a new phone and was trying to get it set up. Quickly my abundance of texts and pictures became a problem, so the heartache ramped up as I had to go through many old videos, label them, move them to my external hard drive...there's a video that is precious to me from Nov 2008 that has been lost. I've got the still shot but the AVI file is gone, and it pains me deeply. The kind of pain you have to go to God with because it seems overly dramatic, but I could cry hard over the loss of it if I let myself. I just feel so bad that in all the file corruptions and backing up over the past 10 years, this special file of my middle girl reciting the books of the Bible is only embedded in our memories. God has a reason. He cares about the things that trouble us, and He knows if one of my old computers has that file uncorrupted. The fact I know the exact date is a blessing, but it also shows that if He wanted me to have the file, He could bring it. A lof of 2008 was lost in a computer crash so I'm fortunate to have anything...But the videos and passage of time...my children yet unsaved, yet unrefined, learning, growing, adorable, messy, beautiful, giggly and small...and me, young, learning, thin, tireless, determined...I don't want to go back. I don't want to do it all again. I just want to hold them one more time sometimes when they were carefree and I had all the answers. Seeing their beautiful tiny faces, dancing, singing, so happy without adult cares...what a joy. But those days can't last. And they don't. And in general, is is best to not dwell on that and keep looking forward. Not too hard when you are in the throes of parenting, but when it slows down, oh discipline is needed so you don't waste these next 'best years of your life'. The reality is, some children are stuck in the younger years mentally, and I need to be thankful to God that mine are not. Accidents happen and thriving adults revert to a childlike state, and I need to remember that it is the natural and good course that has given us all the expected seasons of life. We've always said we're raising adults, and that must be before us at all times until we successfully launch 3 serious followers of Christ who are an asset to their family, their church, and their community.

So back to looking back...in Scripture we're only to look back to see the blessings of the Lord and to glorify God, or to learn from our sin and go forth and not do it anymore. We're not supposed to look back for digging up hurts or for rehashing this or that. When we look back to remember, it is for specific reasons that should leave us feeling more whole in Christ, not more empty. Biblical looking back is always specific to see the hand of the King of Kings and ultimately praise Him. 

My closet is so full of my youth and childhood, and it can make me feel just as I did when I had those things as a younger woman and a little girl. What do I do with all of these special things? I seldom recall they are there, but I was digging around looking for the certificate of the peg my husband bought me in the Ark. Back before the replica was built, when protests were mighty and funding was needed...when God's people prayed and prayed for Answers in Genesis and Ken Ham to be protected and successful, you could buy a part (sponsor it) and get a certificate and a number, and we're going soon and I want to see where my special peg is. I cried when I was given that gift. I loved the Ark project and longed to visit one day when it was built. Now it is time, and can I find that paper? I put it somewhere special. 

No. I can't at the moment, but my bedroom is now full of nearly every keepsake of mine that was carefully squeezed into the closet. I've gone through all the keepsake boxes downstairs with well organized files of what actually was what the boxes said, all the school papers and art I saved from my 3 babies. In my distress and the house a bit of a shambles, my husband, who is the most resourceful man alive, found his receipt in his email from Dec 23, 2013 and printed the information needed so that we can all go to the area where my special peg is ♥. I'll surely find that certificate next year...

So here I am, at bedtime, tears just keep streaming down my face. Because my friend and those precious boys are gone. My dad is old and could pass at any time. My bedroom is literally a totally wreck with special memories that make me sad to look back on but I can't part with (envelopes and letters from my mom who died before I got married, for example). And I'm missing people I loved dearly who are gone and whose funeral cards are one of the things in a special box. (I hate death.) And I'm missing my sisters who I will probably never live very close to again. 

I talked to them both today for the first time in AGES. It is my one sister's birthday, and the other has 2 new grandchildren and we just haven't had time to talk since she had to return to the office full time instead of working from home a lot. After 2 hours, we wrapped up that talk. I needed some comfort, and I wanted to tell her all the things...that's what a sister 9 yrs older can do...listen so well and care when I'm super sad. 

I guess I need to ask God to help me get rid of things that only make me sad when I look back. And to help bind up my broken heart over all the people I've said goodbye to and miss a lot. And to remind me He has a plan for my life even though sometimes it feels like everyone else gets to move on and have adventure while I'm still here in the Burg. The reality is, the place I want to go a lot of the time doesn't exist. It is a time in the past mixed with the present, full of all the people and nearness and the wisdom of now but it was long ago, and that time can't be. It shouldn't be. It is a created place that never was and never will be. I'm here, now, serving the Lord, and need to trust Him in this new season. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He won't leave you or forsake you if you belong to Him. What a good and loving God. 

Now to Him who is ABLE to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus now and forever, Amen. Eph 3:20-21

Unexpected Scenarios

It is taken for granted when children are young and parents are young, that we can influence our kids, protect them, and offer guidance and advice whenever it is warranted. It is very sad to see parents who are too busy to be with their young children, pursuing their own dreams to the exclusion of regular family time. This is one thing I loved about homeschooling; so much time together to talk and interact, though it takes effort to really connect of course. 

I think one of the most difficult things older parents can experience is when their kids shut them out, and then make decisions that are not the best. Sometimes the decisions are dangerous or completely wrong. Adults, be they young or not-so-young, are free to do what they want. Wisdom seeks good counsel, which isn't always what is wanted. It isn't so wise to seek counsel from those who will tell us what we want to hear, or seek it from those who don't know us that well. When we seek counsel from many who don't know us, we might not get the hard truth we need to hear, because only those who deeply love us, or deeply love the Savior, will be bold enough to tell us the truth. People who aren't impacted by our decisions are often not invested enough in us to really lay it all out. 

Drying fig leaves for tea

What I'm learning more as I age is that we cannot lose our peace when people shut us or our informed counsel out. We can only do what we can do, which sometimes is just cry out to God, and ask Him to watch over our loved ones. When we could save our loved ones from disaster or just a rough road, we can't care more than the person who is going to likely end up in a mess of their own doing. It is painful when we could help but are not asked, but we must humble ourselves before the Lord and remember as His children, He is loving us and caring for us, and ultimately we should desire to serve Him where and how He wants us to. 

Stubborn self-reliance and pride have led more than one person down a wrong road. Yes, there is wisdom in a multitude of godly counselors, and at the same time, people who don't go to their own family for help can look like they don't actually have a support system. People may wonder, "Why isn't their family helping them? They must not have a close family to count on." If that is our situation, we can't help that there is a strong family available but not wanted. I'm not saying that one's family can provide all that is needed, but it can certainly save us from looking like a person who has no strong support system and MUST therefore RELY on friends or strangers. 

When we're in need of help, we should go to God first, and then after talking and listening for His answer, we should go to those we trust the most to keep the condition of our hearts and walk with the Lord a top priority. After that, we can seek wise counsel from trusted friends we know have our back. God is a jealous God. He wants and deserves first place in our hearts.

Reputations are built quickly and changed slowly. 

Gratitude and Mission

There's been some discussion lately about the low standard we tend to have in today's culture for many things. One area in particular is the general laziness of people, particularly mothers.  When comparing to generations past, sadly we often see today's mothers happily handing their children their phone or an iPad to keep them occupied, and when they're not doing that they are running around socializing  So they don't have to keep a close eye on their children or worry too much with training them. In general the children today are not at home being trained by a dedicated and hard-working mother committed to doing her absolute best for their sake day in day out.

If this is an observation that we are seeing, what is the problem before women become mothers?  Are they diligent and hard-working, taking every opportunity to serve others and the Lord?  Or like so many of the mothers that we see, are these ladies-in-waiting more consumed with their own comfort and relaxation than taking every opportunity to serve the Lord and those around them?  It takes a determined mindset of service and sacrifice to look around us and ask ourselves why the Lord has us where He has us.  How many opportunities do we miss to bring Him glory and point others to Him because we are consumed with ourselves and our own interests?

 As we give thanks to God each day for the blessings that He has put into our lives and the path that He has laid out for us, we should also be asking Him how He wants us to best show others His glory and point others to Him.  I do not think He is ever leading His children to keep their light under a bushel and worry about the clothes on their back or the food on their table.  He puts us where he puts us in order to be a bold witness for Him and to care more about the souls of those around us than our own needs.

For the mother with young children, her primary mission field is her children. For those hoping to have children the mission field is whoever He has put you shoulder to shoulder with. 

Are we doing our best for Jesus's sake?

Goodbye, Friend

It is a strange and unhappy thing: the death of a good friend. When they pass, at least for me, it seems there is always a day where I think to talk to them about the sad death of my friend. It is almost instantaneous that the realization comes that of course I can't talk to them about it, because they are the one gone. 

Friendship is an interesting part of life. It cannot be forced or predicted; it just comes one way or another, and it is full of blessings and sometimes challenges. 

This particular friendship was born out of heartache for both of us, and now her burdens are long laid down. 

Eventually I'll forget the sweet sound of her British accent saying, "I love you, Jen." I hope it takes a while. 

Farewell, Rita. I'll sure miss you.

Sept 14, 1940 - June 13, 2024

It's Not For Me

There are two ways to approach life: positively or negatively. 

It's not fun to talk with people whose general bent or response is negative. It's wearing. Learn to reply with a question in a pleasant tone if you don't agree with what's being said to you. 

A sign of ignorance and immaturity is to think, AND SAY ALOUD, that if someone is doing something different from you (or that you think is not worthwhile), it's a worthless venture for them, too.

A person who is friendly, has friends. People, whether intelligent or stupid, do not like being insulted. And they aren't inclined to enjoy being told what to do. 

I'm Sorry I Ruined Your Life!!

Finishing 181 handwritten Christmas cards with stickers on each one (up to 3!) warrants a reward. Mine is taking a few minutes to write this blog post that has been milling around in my mind for several weeks. Did the title catch your eye?

This post is going to be making two different points but both relate to the title. 

Point 1:

Someone tells you that decisions you made, which directly impacted them, ruined their life. Maybe not ruined, but negatively impacted them and they blame you. You failed them.

How do you respond? What do you think? 

I'll start by saying what not to do if you actually care to reconcile (which you may not, but if you do, read on). Do not invalidate the claim. You can't change someone else's perspective. You can explain why you disagree, but also point out that you understand they see it differently, then go on to point out the issue at hand is this: are they going to forgive you and move forward, or is this now going to define the relationship forever? I'd also be sure to point out that everyone is "failed" by others at some point in time and we ALL have to reveal the character we have, or do not have, in how we forgive and move forward. If Christians are involved, realize no believer can live in a state of unforgiveness. Refusing to reconcile is a serious decision. Forgiveness doesn't necessitate reconciliation, but it should make a believer really weigh out if their scenario can truly stand on NOT reconciling. 

NUTSHELL: "So, I wronged you. You found out that Basket Weaving Club existed when you were too old to join...and you always longed to be in a group that did that...I'm sorry, please forgive me. I didn't think it was the right group for you. I'm sure if you are determined now, you can learn to weave baskets. Remember the Lord has a plan for your life and He is interested in using all the aspects of your life to grow you to look more like Jesus. I'm certain any failings I've caused you can be used for good with God involved if you are submitted to Him."

Point 2:

Someone you know has a weird hang-up about something that is really not on your radar screen. In your view, it is either wrong or just super odd. How much do you try to accommodate this? I'd say that you do what you can to be at peace with all men and not rile someone up unnecessarily, but we do not need to make another person's obsession or hang-up OUR obsession or hang-up. "As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Romans 12:18 Then there is the whole 'weaker brother' argument. When dealing with fellow Christians, if they can't eat meat without a guilty conscience, maybe refrain when with them one on one if you can?? Would it kill you? 

NUTSHELL, full of opinion: All of your Christmas cards feature a woodland animal and you've got a friend who just can't stand them. He was scratched by a squirrel once and needed rabies shots... and your card has a nature scene. You are at the end of your stack and no more cards. Dilemma: Do you NOT send a card, or just send what everyone is getting and trust your friend can handle the nature scene? It is your call. I'd say send the card. You didn't plan to upset the friend, but you have already done the other 180 cards and it is the 11th hour. Or don't send it, but then you are letting a ridiculous viewpoint carry the weight and reinforcing an overinflated reaction. To have purposefully bought a woodland scene card would have been wrong, but it was an oversight. Obviously this requires some thought: the seriousness of the situation is a factor and if the relationship can handle your choice. 

Time to stop before I move on to: "How To Cope With Overly Sensitive People"  or "Living Amidst Passive Aggressiveness: To Care or Not to Care?"

This wraps up today's edition of I'm Sorry I Ruined Your Life!

Sanctification, Growing Older....

I've recently finished reading chapter 9 of Adorned by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. It is an excellent chapter about purity. Purity is a lost adjective in today's vernacular, at least among the worldly Christians and secular society. I've been thinking about how becoming more sanctified naturally lends itself to becoming more pure, more holy. Qualities such as these cannot be hidden; they are what a person, a woman, embodies. It is who she is. One wouldn't tell an off-color joke around her because it is understood she wouldn't appreciate the humor and would probably be offended. Because this sort of woman is polite and gracious, she likely wouldn't say anything in the midst of an uncomfortable, inappropriate exchange (assuming the Lord's name or character weren't being put in question), but she would excuse herself from continuing with the banter. May we all strive to be women who others naturally do not want to offend. When people apologize for swearing around us or curb their drinking around us, let us hope it is because they respect our positions quietly as we have quietly demonstrated our own. 

Quiet demonstrations lead to the topic this post is about, which is sanctification and how obvious it is. And how obvious it isn't. 

When someone claims to be a Christian, but shows no growth in Christlikeness, there is a lack of sanctification happening. This is a cause for concern. Reading and hearing Scripture should engage the mind and will of a follower of Jesus Christ. We should be challenged to change when we see our way of living doesn't align with God's way. Our service in church should increase the longer we're in Christ because we know our serving others is how we serve Him, using the gifts He's given us for that very purpose. Sanctification is a life-long element of a Christian's existence. This leads to the second point of this post and that is growing older. One of the many benefits of growing older is the number of years to observe life. Our own life and the lives of those around us. Time tells us all we need to know about where someone is in their walk with Christ. What is claimed to be believed will be shown or not shown over time. 

Birds of a feather flock together as the old saying goes. Who do you flock with? Who is in my flock? We will know Christians by their love and surely we know much about them by who they spend time with. Pay attention to who you spend time with. What influences you? Who are your close friends? 

We serve a powerful and good God who is interested in the sanctification of His children. He is actively available to help us not look like we looked last year, the year before that, the year before that and so on. ♥

Slander and Pride in Prayer Requests

Most women are familiar with gossip being a potential pitfall when sharing a prayer need. Too often the "need" for prayer becomes a bash session or a town council style opinion meeting if it isn't carefully shared. This isn't new information for those who desire to avoid gossip. 

There is another issue that I think we sometimes miss in prayer request time that has had me thinking though. It is the issue of slander: speaking against someone in a way that harms their reputation or negatively shapes the opinion of others. It can happen before we know it, and it can be one of those things we didn't intend. Slander can be factual or false, and it can flow out of a lack of humility and pride, but also lack of foresight. Too often if something is true we think it is ok to openly share. (True as in absolutely true, or true in our own minds and opinion.)

The truth is,  however,  whether something is factual or not, it isn't always helpful or appropriate to share. We should be able to see what is our own opinion of a situation and "our truth" for what it is--possibly clouded and mistaken, especially within the confines of a serious relationship problem. 

Before sharing a prayer need about a problem we have with another person, we should ask ourselves what exactly are we saying about the other individual? Are we saying they are a thief, a liar, an adulterer, deceived, malicious, that they have an anger issue, or something else? Is the problem absolutely one-sided (like a person has a clear substance abuse issue or is in a cult) or is there a chance both parties are at fault to varying degrees? We should always ask for our own hearts to be changed in situations with subjectivity. 

We don't want people coming away from our prayer request thinking poorly of someone else if it can be helped. I realize there are times this is unavoidable. In such cases, prudence is advised. Instead of sharing in a group setting, ask a trusted friend or two to pray (if details are required that will shed negative light on someone else). Regardless, whenever we have a problem with another person to the degree that it leads us to seek the support of others, our attitude should be that we are willing to see the situation differently if God sees it differently. There should be a measure of humility, our love for the other person should be clear, and our desire for reconciliation over being right should be obvious. If we aren't there yet when we share the need, it is important we're open to advice on the matter and do not approach it like we have it all figured out.

In closing, let's consider being vague in prayer needs so we respect the reputation of others, and being sure to communicate our own willingness to change our perspective. There is usually something we can improve upon in any problem situation. 

To God be the glory

We Want Change But We Won't Change

Victim mentality: "I have it too hard. Harder than others!"

Overcomer mentality: "This is hard but I'll overcome! Plenty of people go through worse and make it."

Life is too full of opportunities to waste your energy on those driven by being victims. If you are spending time with someone bent on thinking like a victim, move on. Find better friends. 

You want to be someone to "find a way and make a way"! Have a dream and put in the hard work to accomplish it! Refuse to believe for one second that your situation is insurmountable. There is always a solution if you want it. It might remain difficult; it might not be what you truly wanted, but there is a path forward! Dig in and do the required work.  

The truth is, most folks do not want a better way. Most want to live undisciplined lives and remain less effective or ineffective. The pain of staying the same (in debt, fat, underemployed, lazy...) is simply perceived to be less than the pain of changing. If that is the case for you, stop making a fool of yourself and pretending there is no solution by complaining about your state of affairs. Next, decide to be a mature adult and choose to learn what you need to learn to get where you say you want to get! It's not too late to become a better you, and for Christians, goodnight! If you are saying what you've said for 20 years and haven't improved, realize that is not the goal. We should be becoming more disciplined and like Christ throughout our lives, not more like our parents.

I'm not saying anyone can be whatever they want. On the contrary, the opposite is true. What I am saying is that we can be the best version of who God created us to be, and we ought to be striving toward that constantly. Are we God's or solely the product of our parents, destined to have the same life and health outcome no matter what we do? That's not the God I serve and it's not my destiny. It's not yours, either, at least it does not have to be, so get in a better groove!

Amazing fruit from Sam and Jessica's wedding

An Odd Form of Pride

This subject has definitely been written about on this blog, but perhaps not exactly from this angle. 

Pride....so many varied faces. 

Oftentimes, when a person finds that they are more alone than they want, or are avoided by people to an extent, pride can be the culprit. 

We can think more highly of ourselves than we ought, and people do not like this. We can encourage our offspring to think more highly of themselves than they ought as well. Beware, parent. You just may be your child's Achilles heel!

If we often give our unsolicited opinions, it is as if we are saying, "What I think is important, listen to me!" Maybe it is important, but wait for times that it is helpful or wanted. Trying to show your knowledge isn't always welcome. Prayer requests aren't open opportunities to give advice to someone. I'd say that is a time to NOT offer opinions or advice. People will ask if they want advice, usually from people they respect. If you are compelled, ask the person if they are interested in your thoughts on the matter. Be willing to be told no.

Not bettering ourselves can be a more subtle form of pride. For example, shunning college or failing to see the value in it for others because ultimately we think we know everything already...this is shockingly prideful. Failing to understand why some should go to college is insulting. Everyone should use the gifts God has given them to the maximum. God gifts some intellectually. We should all make the most of what God has gifted us with and cultivating our minds is part of that to varying degree. It should make sense that if the Lord has seriously blessed someone with a love of learning, the ability to learn and succeed at high levels, they should foster that to glorify Him. To be content to not better ourselves in ways that develop our minds, and thus open options for better work opportunities, is short-sighted and foolish. Men should consider this carefully. College is certainly not needed for many careers, so don't waste your time if it isn't. But the operative word there is CAREER. High school caliber work isn't going to provide for a family, and you want skills that transfer to multiple settings. For example, a skilled mechanic will have their pick of places to work. No college is needed and it is a good career. Taking special certification courses is often a smart move, and demonstrates planning for the future and humility. We don't know it all because we know some. 

That last sentence really capitalizes on wrong, prideful thinking. Taking high school Biology merely introduces you to the subject matter. College Biology will begin with some basics that are repetitive, and only a fool would say, "I've already learned all of this; I'm dropping the class!" College Biology goes much farther and deeper, and the subsequent courses do as well. Introductory courses at the college level do not begin to plumb the depths of a subject. The humble person sees this and realizes the more they learn, the less they know. Exploring the depths of Biology takes years of advanced classes. This is true of all subjects.

Do not think you bring more to the table than you do. Assume you bring very little and you will find more friends and less people avoiding you. Quite simply, pride goeth before a fall.

Jealousy Ruins People

I've recently been thinking about a few less-than-ideal-situations I've encountered, and it occurred to me that the strangeness of them all is a common spirit of the old green-eyed monster, jealousy. 

Jealousy causes irrational and hypocritical expectations of others. 'While keeping life and experiences painfully close to the vest in a harrowingly tight-lipped fashion, Beatrice demanded to know why her cousin's pet-sitter didn't personally tell her about her new throw pillows!'

It causes us to stop engaging with what someone is saying about themselves and instead make a comment pertaining to ourselves.  "Um, when I said what I just said it was for this reason, not for you to suddenly get paranoid about your self and shift the conversation in a different direction about you...but ok...let's talk about you now".

Left unchecked, jealousy feeds passive-aggressive, destructive thoughts and behavior. "Wrongly convinced she was being shunned by her wealthy friend, Brittany bought a villa she couldn't afford, and waited months before telling those she knew well. This led to sneaky behavior and wrongly suspecting others were being sneaky toward her. What followed was Brittany being seen as evasive and dishonest, which then did lead to her friendship being damaged, all because Brittany became what she wrongly perceived in others."

There are people who are noteworthy hypocrites, and the root cause can be jealousy. These folks genuinely give the absolute least in an area that they demand the most of others in. Rather than ask themselves why such and such happens, these folks can only see themselves as wrongly not getting first bidding. They deserve it, just ask them!  

What we give comes back to us...it is the old reaping and sowing system God set up. Why aren't we satisfied with the results of our relationship efforts? Obligatory acts look very different from close relationships. If you aren't close to people you want to be close to, honestly look and see if you are behaving in a way to cause things to be as they are. Reputations are often built by repeatable behaviors.

Praying Friends

Being private about our lives is great, important even. Particularly if one is in delicate circumstances. Sometimes, however, we need the body of Christ to come alongside us in prayer. Having a few trusted prayer-warrior friends is a gift from God. While we need local good friends, having out-of-state praying friends is quite priceless. 

I've asked trusted people to pray for me a couple of times the last few months, and I can see the effects clearly. My thinking improves. For example, I can see afresh that rude people are their own punishment, they live amidst self- inflicted unhappiness. My life does not have to be impacted by people like that. I can deal with the momentary problem, then go on. Crazy, angry, people do what they do and I can continue to do what I do. When we know we have not wronged someone who breeds conflict, we can rest easy. 

The same goes for the people who love to know everything going on...the people who talk to everyone and ask questions to learn more than folks prefer to share, or those who learn about you and like to stir the soup with their knowledge. People who need to flaunt what they know about you so they can give the impression of being important...or so they can incite jealousy, or so they can add credibility to their own stories by casually talking about you like they are your pal, always angling, essentially using your good name to influence others with their ideas. We can let people live while we live, trusting the truth will set us free.

Lord, help me be holy, pray for those who despitefully use me, and enable me to love my enemies.

Wisdom in Relationships (Dating)

I've got a good friend whose son grew up alongside one of my daughters. At some point, I was lamenting to her mother that he's her only child left unmarried....and he is dating someone! To my friend, I had mentioned it would be nice to all get together, which wouldn't be easy since her son no longer lives in the area...he's in college and is a man taking charge of his life.

Wisely my friend simply said that she does not get involved with her kids dating lives. That really resonated with me since I've known this lady well for quite some time, and I know she's lived through some things. I've also been on the receiving end of people forming relationships with us solely because one of the children in the family had designs on one of my children. I didn't think my suggestion would be nearly as brazen, offensive or off-putting, but it is still on the same side of the coin.

My good friend has my respect. I took her advice to heart, and decided to steer clear of set ups in any form for my children. 

Prayer,  no games, and I'll continue to befriend people I like as friends for me--no strings attached.