Another Death

My family has a small ministry to widows. We love them. It's a joy to spend time with the ladies and invest in them. Of course, I wish I had more time to visit them in their homes or when they are in the hospital. 

Something the Lord has been teaching me this past year is that I simply can't do all I might wish to do, but I need to prayerfully consider how to use the available time He's afforded me. There's only so much time in a day, but there's also only so much bandwidth mentally and emotionally available to expend. Certain fixed responsibilities consume what we have to offer, and after that, we must divide up our resources carefully. This is a reality of aging for this writer, though others who know me best might say it's always been true, apparently I'm just now realizing it. Probably because I'm at capacity, or very near it, most of the time. 

I think in terms of "big rocks in the jar", and that is the monthly gathering for this ministry. There's planning and shopping, plus texting and emailing. Sometimes there are phone calls, but those are the smaller rocks. There's cleaning and food prep, the event, and then more cleaning and laundry and rest. There is card writing, because at least I can do that when the health challenges come. 

Goodbyes are hard. Seeing the strength of the ladies and their love of God is a gift, even as they diminish here. One sweet friend got to say goodbye to us all and that was precious. Another passed and we thought we'd see her again. And now another has left this temporary home and is with her King. In about a month's time, our group has lost these three sweet friends. It's helpful knowing our loss is Heaven's fullness! Each widow had beloved family that had gone on before them, and each loved God and was a born again believer. 

I hope I'm brave like those who were brave. I hope I love like these girls love. They have become such inspirations and a source of comfort to me the past 2 years. I'll miss JG, AMB and TL. It was a privilege to be involved in their lives in a small way. 

Funerals

We have had a couple of funerals recently, and they are always different, aren't they? Whether held at church or the funeral home, the music, the order of service, speakers, Gospel presentation...those things seem to set the stage so to speak. I've been really impressed by how the funerals capture the people being remembered and honored. Some are almost high energy with so much to say and see and learn. Others are quieter and more serious. Some have a holy reverence to them, others are trying to cheer us as the person did in life. Some make you think about how your own funeral will be; how will I be remembered? Have I done my best for Jesus? Still others are just a time to mourn and finally get to reflect on the life you will miss here on this side of Heaven. At todays, the seating was such that I just got to stand for a minute looking at many precious saints whose lives have touched my own tremendously the past two years. 

I am thankful for our precious church family. We've been through a great deal together. Not being involved in a church, serving, living, loving, and toiling together is choosing to miss out on the greatest blessing in the life of a Christian. Church life should fill most of our time outside of taking care of our family and work. It doesn't leave tons of time for other things, but it is so worth it. Those other things ideally will be serving your community and trying to reach them for Christ, or strengthening families God puts in your path. 

In this age of social media and internet, it can be easy to ignore the reality of serving in our community, but good societies are built on strong communities and communities are built on strong families. We're so fragmented in the USA for a variety of reasons, but we can counteract some of those if we will take the time to give of ourselves in person with the people living, working, and dying in our town. 

How Evil Lives in the Political Left

My husband and I were taking a walk and discussing the horror of the assassination of Charlie Kirk. What he wanted me to know is that it really isn't a different opinion the left has. They are totally different people. There is such vitriol and wickedness now toward those who are not liberal morally and politically. We see it in the response of this hard working family man being brutally murdered, leaving a wife and 2 children behind. We can be assured Mr. Kirk is with Jesus. Sadly those he tried to witness to are dancing on his grave. The enemy is Satan. Let's pray for the lost. 

Why I Rarely Look Back

 It has been an emotional few days, and I've added some activities that haven't made it better. Albeit, unintentionally, but I'm realizing a few things I'll share regarding looking back.

Old photos, old videos, old letters from loved ones who are no longer with us, old stuffed animals, boxes of keepsakes, unfilled photo books from when you had a baby but never used ...do these things point us closer to Christ or do they fill our hearts with sadness?

Maybe some people look through and feel happier. For over 15 years we never had photos of our children around the house. It was very upsetting for me to look back and see the fast passage of time. My husband has been the same way. He also doesn't look back on the anniversary of deaths like some people. He isn't a grave site visitor and doesn't relish looking at old videos or too many pictures of the kids when they were small. I see why. 

My dad and step-mom were here visiting with an impromptu trip the past couple of days. I love seeing my dad, but it is kind of rare, and well, he's 82 and it is difficult to picture life with him gone. I wish we lived closer for easier visiting, but God hasn't granted that prayer. It isn't His will for us to have them over weekly for dinner or even monthly, and that has to be accepted. I've prayed for a long time to be nearer to our family if it is His will, and here we are still after almost 19 years. It's surprising to me and sometimes very frustrating. At other times I am content and just don't think about it, or I see God's wisdom in it and am fine.

During this visit that made me sad and left me confused at times, my dear friend and her family left the area for a new adventure very far away. It has been coming for nearly 7 months, but it is always hard when the trigger is pulled. Life changes so fast and suddenly, even when you are anticipating the newness. If they are like us with the ages of their kids, their whole lives could be lived in this new state, as ours has been here. We arrived when our children were 4, 2 and 8 months. These are pages written by the Lord that gradually unfold and before you know it, it's a book of your life in a certain place for a certain time, full of ups, downs and everything in between. And your children call it home, and it holds something special for them they can't get elsewhere...and to leave it is a big deal for them. 

In the midst of this, I needed a new phone and was trying to get it set up. Quickly my abundance of texts and pictures became a problem, so the heartache ramped up as I had to go through many old videos, label them, move them to my external hard drive...there's a video that is precious to me from Nov 2008 that has been lost. I've got the still shot but the AVI file is gone, and it pains me deeply. The kind of pain you have to go to God with because it seems overly dramatic, but I could cry hard over the loss of it if I let myself. I just feel so bad that in all the file corruptions and backing up over the past 10 years, this special file of my middle girl reciting the books of the Bible is only embedded in our memories. God has a reason. He cares about the things that trouble us, and He knows if one of my old computers has that file uncorrupted. The fact I know the exact date is a blessing, but it also shows that if He wanted me to have the file, He could bring it. A lof of 2008 was lost in a computer crash so I'm fortunate to have anything...But the videos and passage of time...my children yet unsaved, yet unrefined, learning, growing, adorable, messy, beautiful, giggly and small...and me, young, learning, thin, tireless, determined...I don't want to go back. I don't want to do it all again. I just want to hold them one more time sometimes when they were carefree and I had all the answers. Seeing their beautiful tiny faces, dancing, singing, so happy without adult cares...what a joy. But those days can't last. And they don't. And in general, is is best to not dwell on that and keep looking forward. Not too hard when you are in the throes of parenting, but when it slows down, oh discipline is needed so you don't waste these next 'best years of your life'. The reality is, some children are stuck in the younger years mentally, and I need to be thankful to God that mine are not. Accidents happen and thriving adults revert to a childlike state, and I need to remember that it is the natural and good course that has given us all the expected seasons of life. We've always said we're raising adults, and that must be before us at all times until we successfully launch 3 serious followers of Christ who are an asset to their family, their church, and their community.

So back to looking back...in Scripture we're only to look back to see the blessings of the Lord and to glorify God, or to learn from our sin and go forth and not do it anymore. We're not supposed to look back for digging up hurts or for rehashing this or that. When we look back to remember, it is for specific reasons that should leave us feeling more whole in Christ, not more empty. Biblical looking back is always specific to see the hand of the King of Kings and ultimately praise Him. 

My closet is so full of my youth and childhood, and it can make me feel just as I did when I had those things as a younger woman and a little girl. What do I do with all of these special things? I seldom recall they are there, but I was digging around looking for the certificate of the peg my husband bought me in the Ark. Back before the replica was built, when protests were mighty and funding was needed...when God's people prayed and prayed for Answers in Genesis and Ken Ham to be protected and successful, you could buy a part (sponsor it) and get a certificate and a number, and we're going soon and I want to see where my special peg is. I cried when I was given that gift. I loved the Ark project and longed to visit one day when it was built. Now it is time, and can I find that paper? I put it somewhere special. 

No. I can't at the moment, but my bedroom is now full of nearly every keepsake of mine that was carefully squeezed into the closet. I've gone through all the keepsake boxes downstairs with well organized files of what actually was what the boxes said, all the school papers and art I saved from my 3 babies. In my distress and the house a bit of a shambles, my husband, who is the most resourceful man alive, found his receipt in his email from Dec 23, 2013 and printed the information needed so that we can all go to the area where my special peg is ♥. I'll surely find that certificate next year...

So here I am, at bedtime, tears just keep streaming down my face. Because my friend and those precious boys are gone. My dad is old and could pass at any time. My bedroom is literally a totally wreck with special memories that make me sad to look back on but I can't part with (envelopes and letters from my mom who died before I got married, for example). And I'm missing people I loved dearly who are gone and whose funeral cards are one of the things in a special box. (I hate death.) And I'm missing my sisters who I will probably never live very close to again. 

I talked to them both today for the first time in AGES. It is my one sister's birthday, and the other has 2 new grandchildren and we just haven't had time to talk since she had to return to the office full time instead of working from home a lot. After 2 hours, we wrapped up that talk. I needed some comfort, and I wanted to tell her all the things...that's what a sister 9 yrs older can do...listen so well and care when I'm super sad. 

I guess I need to ask God to help me get rid of things that only make me sad when I look back. And to help bind up my broken heart over all the people I've said goodbye to and miss a lot. And to remind me He has a plan for my life even though sometimes it feels like everyone else gets to move on and have adventure while I'm still here in the Burg. The reality is, the place I want to go a lot of the time doesn't exist. It is a time in the past mixed with the present, full of all the people and nearness and the wisdom of now but it was long ago, and that time can't be. It shouldn't be. It is a created place that never was and never will be. I'm here, now, serving the Lord, and need to trust Him in this new season. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He won't leave you or forsake you if you belong to Him. What a good and loving God. 

Now to Him who is ABLE to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us. To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus now and forever, Amen. Eph 3:20-21

Goodbye, Friend

It is a strange and unhappy thing: the death of a good friend. When they pass, at least for me, it seems there is always a day where I think to talk to them about the sad death of my friend. It is almost instantaneous that the realization comes that of course I can't talk to them about it, because they are the one gone. 

Friendship is an interesting part of life. It cannot be forced or predicted; it just comes one way or another, and it is full of blessings and sometimes challenges. 

This particular friendship was born out of heartache for both of us, and now her burdens are long laid down. 

Eventually I'll forget the sweet sound of her British accent saying, "I love you, Jen." I hope it takes a while. 

Farewell, Rita. I'll sure miss you.

Sept 14, 1940 - June 13, 2024

Remembering John "Tom" Thomas Weinberger Jr. : Death and Marriage During COVID-19 Pandemic

There are things in life that generally require, or strongly recommend, other peoples' involvement, whether it be for celebrating, remembering, or helping. But then a pandemic strikes and officials take precautions, severely limiting how we can celebrate or remember. Some guidelines seem valid, while others seem to miss important details and do more harm than good. 

We've recently witnessed parents having to miss their daughter's wedding. She was a beautiful bride with a gorgeous, elegant, modest wedding gown. I was struck by the beauty of it hanging in her soon to be mother-in-law's upstairs foyer the day before the ceremony. The pure white color and style of the gown communicated a lot about the bride and her choices leading up to this momentous day in her life. 

The wedding was supposed to be overseas, yet due to travel difficulties, all of the plans she'd made were changed. Not only was there not a college graduation ceremony for her family to attend here in the States, her wedding occurred here instead of in her home country, without anyone in her family attending. What should have been one of the biggest events for her parents, relegated them to a live stream participation. 

As with many things where God is present though, there was a lovely take-away from the situation. This young couple's commitment to honor God in relation to the marriage covenant didn't need verbalizing. Circumstances changed everything, and the reality of being ready to marry took precedence over their secondary desires. It has served as a reminder to me that there are hard choices to make when you follow God; hard on one hand... but easy on another. As a follower of God, what we're to do isn't difficult to figure out. The obeying can still be tough, but when it is the Lord whom you serve, it is always right to go with God and He will bring blessings in His way and time. This situation has really helped us keep everything with this pandemic in perspective.

Contrasting the joy and sorrow of a wedding that happened very differently than planned, like many others in this nation, we have lost a loved one during the pandemic quarantine period. This past Friday, May 8th, we said goodbye, from afar, to one of our kids' grandfathers. Tom was a part of our family for nearly 20 years. I met him in my mother-in-law's kitchen and he quickly gave the impression of being a nice man that was easy to be around. His warm hugs and gentle demeanor were a blessing. He named our groundhog at Massanutten, and we can't go there without thinking about him and recalling some funny times. He loved animals and the simple things in life...the shore, crabs, time with friends, humor...I never stressed about making food for him, which is rare for me. He wasn't a hard person to please and he wasn't one to sit around complaining or gossiping. He was encouraging and put people at ease.

We couldn't visit Tom during the last two months of his life due to COVID-19 restrictions, and sadly the last time we did visit he may not have remembered. Now there is a funeral of sorts, a 'window visitation', and that is all the closure we'll get to have. How quickly life comes to an end, and not being able to remember together and honor the memory of one so loved is difficult. 

I'm very sad to have not gotten to talk to one last time before the surgery that led to all of this. 

We will miss you, Tom. And we love you.

Remembering Terri

Today is a day full of memories. Three years ago this day began with an unexpected phone call. My husband woke me up to come downstairs and talk to my very good friend's husband. On the other line was the news that my friend was gone...and their daughter had asked for me. I'm not sure how I got out of my house so fast, but I was on the road moments after that call. Another good friend answered her phone as I reached out during that early morning drive to ask for prayer. When I got to the house, the officer standing in the living room who watched me walk across the open hallway upstairs was a Christian. I knew him from church a little, or knew 'of' him moreso, and what a blessing as I felt sure he had to be praying for what was about to happen. Moments after making eye contact with him, I knocked on the door of a girl who had spent more time with my oldest daughter than anyone. A sweet child who had been having a tough time of things health-wise for about a year, who now shouldered a loss that was devastating.

Time heals, God heals, and hope does come in the morning. I'm glad it isn't three years ago today, but I still miss my friend, and I've been forever changed by the experience of losing her.

I miss you, Terri. 

"I'm a Christian"...

All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him. Is 53:6

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, 2 Cor 3:5

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5

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Recently I encountered a woman who, in an incredulous tone, wondered at how friends of mine can be thriving after the mom in the home committed suicide nearly a year ago. My answer was simple, but certainly not without depth, "God."

Why is it that people cannot believe that God is enough? Perhaps because He is not enough for them. Those who think they have a trusting relationship with Christ may be deceived in their salvation, and it can come out when these rubber-meet-the-road issues surface. 

Perhaps people don't believe God is enough because they do not actually believe in God. They are stuck on why anything bad happens in this world, thinking a good God would not allow any harm to come to people (even people who reject and mock Him). Since bad things happen, they reason there is not a God. 

Perhaps God is not enough for an actual Christian because they are misunderstanding His nature and the world He's placed us in. They think that because we have doctors for the body that we go to when we are sick, we should go first to doctors of the mind (psychiatrists, sociologists, psychologists) for our emotional/mental problems, not realizing our mind is a BATTLEFIELD and Satan knows this all too well. 

What Secular Psychologists Won't Tell You

Life is hard. Death is hard. Suicide is hard. When my closest friend (here in my state) took her own life last year, it caused me to take a hard look at how it could have happened. 

I'm reminded of 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18:

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.

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These words of God are true. If we doubt them, we must take that thinking to its logical conclusion. A person gets cancer and dies...God isn't enough. There is no hope in that...and yet God tells us to hope in Him throughout scripture.

If death is always bad, then does it also follow it is never within  God's will? Is death only acceptable if no wrong was done by anyone along the way? Sometimes death is the best answer for someone, especially a tormented saint that isn't going to be healed this side of Heaven. Yes, Christians can struggle with real sin that leads them to suicide, and Christians can be as right with God as they are able to be and have a mental problem that leads them to suicide. God allows bad things to happen, to the saved and the unsaved. He uses fallible men, and it doesn't necessitate we take up the mantle of correcting that wrong to try to save mankind from a repeat. We have to till our own garden, and the last thing a child whose mom has committed suicide needs is a father consumed with trying to retaliate or get involved in some cause that takes his eyes off what God has clearly called him to.

Death is the consequence of sin, all sin, and just because someone is labeling them self a Christian doesn't mean they are one, quite sadly. If a person is a Christian, it doesn't mean they've done things God's way. And isn't doing things our own way a big part of the problem in this life? Isaiah 53:6 tells us we have all been like sheep going astray, turning to our own way. This is the human way.

Far more often than not, this is what I observe when it comes to depression and anxiety in the life of a Christian, or a "Christian". They start to have a problem, they pray about it and maybe even ask some friends to pray about it. And when it gets really rough, they go to a psychiatrist (man's answers to man's problems), psychologist (same definition only less dangerous because of the medication), or a counselor that may or may not consider them self a Christian. Far too often we do not do things God's way, yet when it all falls apart, the first one to be blamed is God. 

Christians will often hide their struggle as best they can from the one place they need to be transparent--their pastor and their church. But let us back up.

How many Christians struggling with depression are actively serving and worshiping in a Bible believing church? This is step one because a Christian out of fellowship is not where they need to be, and God will allow all manner of things in order to bring that loved one back. Sadly, all too often, serious counseling with one's pastor does not happen, or, the pastor isn't equipped to counsel and the person stops there rather than pressing on to find someone who can help them. Too often a Christian will ignore good counsel and spiral farther and farther down until they are a total wreck and struggling to make any forward progress. We all need to examine ourselves regularly and surround ourselves with friends who are like Nehemiah was to David. A friend who will tell you the truth rather than what you want to hear. A friend who knows the Word of God and how to apply it, at least to some degree. 

If you are a Christian dealing with depression, realize that you first should be a member of a solid church and attending weekly. Read your Bible every day and ask God to transform your thinking. So much of our trouble is based in selfishness and merely trying to avoid serving our husbands and children as we're supposed to (which if done as God says, will bring a lot of fulfillment and joy). So much of our problem is that we are empty vessels expecting others to fill us (husbands, friends, children), leaking love tanks I've heard it called. Years of bitterness, self-pity, seeking to be served rather than serve...it piles up and we find ourselves truly miserable. But the solution is not complicated. It just takes work, the work of getting into the Word and doing what it says. I realize this is not always possible on ones own, depending on how bad off a person is...how long they've let problems go unresolved. 

In these cases, seek the counsel of your pastor or another qualified pastor. God has the answers to our problems, we often complicate them by trying to make them a mental or environmental problem outside of His ways. Let the pastor help you see if you have a sin problem that is causing your angst or sadness. If it is not the cause, then perhaps there is a hormonal problem that needs to be dealt with, but this cannot be known simply by jumping from "I'm a Christian" to a secular or 'Christian' counselor. There are steps to take in between, that more often than not, will get to the root cause.

A lack of forgiveness is a huge reason for mental disturbances in people, and this can easily be overlooked by a world system that doesn't even register this as a bonafide crisis in a life, particularly the life of a believer.  God speaks to us about this in His word. Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies...how many people are walking around bitter and hurting? 

I recall doing a study where it was shown that depression is anger turned inward. Yes, we can be mistreated in terrible ways which makes us angry, but if this anger isn't dealt with biblically, we'll often turn it on our self and it will manifest as depression. 

Years ago I heard a Christian psychiatrist speak about a patient who came to her, and this patient was very depressed. She couldn't figure out the problem, but after a good bit of talking the doctor found out the woman was having an affair. Don't expect to be happy and living in sin as a believer. Thankfully this truly Christian doctor would not prescribe medication to this person. How often are believers walking around disobedient to God and miserable, yet they refuse to see a 'heart' doctor--a biblical (nouthetic) counselor or their pastor, who knows them and sees their lifestyle? 

In talking about counselors: be careful, Christian, who you get your counsel from. There are many wandering about trying to be a voice of instruction and reason, but whom are far from God. Wives who are not submissive to their own husbands, mothers who do not nurture their own children, counselors who have gone in to the field to try to deal with their own demons...Christians whose homes are NOT in order, who ignore basic common sense like eating a balanced diet and going to bed before midnight (and who let their kids do the same), who think they have a major problem but one that could easily be traced back to chronic lack of sleep. Do you know how much a lack of sleep can lead to serious mental problems? I read a book from my pediatrician on this topic when my oldest was an infant and it was a real eye opener. One can easily Google the consequences of chronic lack of sleep in children or adults. Take time to rule out what might seem obvious. A child that grows up in utter chaos with no routine is far more prone to struggling mentally and/or emotionally. There is tons of information out there about this, yet how many set themselves and their kids up for problems in this area and run to the secular doctor for counsel and medication when depression or anxiety set in? People do not want to accept responsibly that their own poor choices have led to, or at least contributed to, the depression they are feeling or the anxiety their kids are feeling. The attitude is safer which says 'this is some big problem totally outside me or anyone who is not a 'professional''....but God is also too small when thinking along this line.

If you are a believer struggling with emotional problems, I'd suggest being in church weekly and reading your Bible daily as step one. Do this for a few months, and if things are still bad try  tracking your eating with My Fitness Pal or some other app to make sure you are getting the nutrition you need. We understand our vehicles need fuel, and in theory that people do, yet how many parents do not train their children (which may mean 'force' by them sitting there until they try it) to try different healthy options at every meal? I see kids today who eat nothing healthy--their parents consider milk a meal, or chicken nuggets and candy staples to rely on. They will spend endless hours on weird therapies, spouting off about the dangers of modern medicine, but won't clean up the rat's nest of a house, put the child in bed at a reasonable time, or make them eat a balanced diet.

Along this line, try getting to bed every night before 11 pm, and make your bed and dress when you get up.  Write out 10 things each day you are thankful for and look for ways to bless those around you who are in your care or worse off. If all of this doesn't help after a couple of weeks, talk to your pastor and start to be regularly counseled for a couple of months. Nouthetic counseling is designed to last about 6 weeks and really helps get to the core of the issues in a life. The person counseling you will see if there is something else going on at this point. Is it organic in nature? Is it a woman dealing with menopause? A medical doctor may be needed if all of the aforementioned steps have been taken and there is no improvement, but first it needs to be determined if sin is the root cause of the problem causing the depression. We can rebel in subtle ways and it will wreak havoc for the child of God. If all of these things haven't helped a true believer improve, there may be a mental problem that a medical doctor needs to be brought in on. Realize this should not be a primary step in the process as it can make things far worse for a Christian whose real issue is sin or some hormonal problem being ignored. This is a fallen world, and people get diseases of the mind unfortunately. But keep in mind that the worldly doctors do not know how to know the whole Christian. They aren't capable of it.

In closing, let me say there are not always answers to our problems that make life as good as we'd like it. Sometimes we're going to suffer in this life until we die and are reunited with the Lord. Death is not failure on God's part. It can be His mercy when a believer has problem that is so bad it will bring shame to His name or cause their loved ones misery. Sometimes in this fallen world all that can be done is done, and things do not look like we want. Don't doubt God or think the world has better answers than He does. That is what unbelievers do. But we have hope in a promise of what is to come, and in a God that is trustworthy and always there.

For more on Christian hope: https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/what-is-so-important-about-christian-hope

What No One Dreams Of

No one plans to grow up to then end their life.

No one plans to become an alcoholic.

No one dreams of being a drug addict.

No one hopes for being abused, or abusing. 

Few at the altar are planning the day they break their spouses heart and leave them.

But people do commit suicide.

People do take that first drink, risking a lifetime of regret.

People are fooled into thinking they can do a line once, or smoke some weed just occassionally. 

People do get abused, and someone is abusing them. 

When these things happen to us, around us, to those we love, around those we love, the question isn't 'why can't God fix it or stop it or make it not happen?'

The question should be, 'why didn't God fix it or stop it or make it not happen?', because He could have. 

But then this wouldn't be a fallen world, and that was not His choice--for us to live in a fallen world. He created, blessed, and let man do what he would. Man sinned. 

And God intervened, offering forgiveness and grace to those who would accept His provision of a perfect sacrifice to stand in our place as the payment for our sin. A system set up whereby a blood sacrifice is all that could wash away sin once and for all.

Oh, I know it sounds like a fairytale in some way and to some people. I wasn't born a follower of Jesus Christ; none of us are. But unless someone is living in utter denial, it is apparent we all sin, which means falling short of God's standard of perfect holiness. He didn't have to offer a way out of our sin. He doesn't have to allow any of us into Heaven, but the fact is, some of us will get to go. It isn't because of our goodness or brightness, but because we respond in faith to the calling of His Holy Spirit. Does His Spirit call everyone the same? I don't think so, and what does it really matter? If He is calling you, then you must respond. 

What life brings our way isn't the issue. The issue is this, what are we going to do with the hand we're dealt? It was said well in Rocky 6 when Rocky is talking to his son outside his restaurant. 

"The question isn't how hard you get hit, the question is how many times can you get hit and keep moving forward?" (apologies if I'm off here a bit)

We have to keep moving forward. We have to forgive. I was listening to a John MacArthur sermon tonight that stated the greatest thing we can do to be like God is to forgive others. 

Amen.

What Secular Psychologists Won't Tell You

Old Letters

Saved email is one of those things that can help or haunt after someone dies.

It feels so 'current time' and can make me want to respond.

If only the person on the other end would receive it.

When I read, "I am here to listen and talk anytime,", I want to shout, "NO YOU AREN'T!"

Not anymore.

This particular email was from a year and 9 months ago.

We were so close.

I am different now.

I don't think she would feel good about how I've changed, but that is because it is hard to explain why this is better. No one can convince me that God hasn't been trying to teach me to not get too close to people. I think there are two reasons, well, there are more probably but these are two I'm sure of.

1. I need to go to God and fully trust Him alone rather than putting people first.
2. I can help those in need better if I've got proper boundaries set up.

I know I've been hurt a lot more than I should have been because of putting so much in to friendship and not receiving the same. My need level was too high and my heart was far too wrapped up. I need to be real with people and caring, but not expect us to be soul-mates. Life can be hard. We all make choices on how we spend our time and we prioritize the people in our lives differently.

It has been 3 months.

I miss my friend.

Missing Terri

I'm not sure why there are times I think of Terri and the pain of missing her swallows me up, but when I'm at places where I've got memories of being with her, it happens the most. I just wish she were still here. I can't believe she is gone and not coming back. How did she miss my oldest's birthday? She turned 16 and Terri would have been so excited and done special things. Now I will be celebrating Terri's daughter turning 16 and doing special things, only Terri won't be there. This is not how it was supposed to go. We were supposed to keep raising our girls together and talking about all the things to come, all the difficult changes, all the special milestones. We were supposed to toy with the idea of my oldest going on a cruise with them sometime. We were supposed to dream about her getting to move around and be near the coast, which I wanted for my own life but which she didn't for hers.

But then the darkness came.

I know I don't need her anymore because if I did, God wouldn't have allowed this, but it doesn't always feel that way.

Each day I have to work to focus on Jesus more than other people. I have to remember the Holy Spirit indwells me and is my Counselor. I have to keep working hard to find the proper emotional balance in friendships since I've spent my life getting in too deep. I've had the pain of letting go of a closest friend just a couple other times in this life, and this is the worst because we didn't drift apart. There weren't any indications that this was coming. I wasn't pulling back; she wasn't either. I didn't know she was leaving. And I'm not sure how long she knew she was leaving.

Who am I now that I'm about to turn 43 and my closest friend in this state committed suicide? I wish my life would not have been touched by this, but it is another scar in a life marred by so many, but which has been redeemed by Christ alone. He brings beauty from ashes. Great is His faithfulness. I need Him tonight to help me. I don't deal with darkness, but I know its power a little and I hate it.

Gaining Time

A few months ago I began praying about how I use my free time. Free time being anything outside of my family responsibilities, side jobs I take on, and church involvement. From hobbies like gardening, to TV, to Internet, to friends, to ministries on the side that are outside of church--it all goes in the 'free time' category in my mind.

Losing the friend I saw and talked to the most recently really brought this issue to the forefront. I have more free time now, and over the last decade God has been trying to show me something about how I relate to Him and how I spend my time. Where do I go when I need someone to talk to? What is my first 'to do' when I find I've gotten the house cleaned, the dishes done, meals are under control and I've logged my food for that day? (Yes, the latter is a regular thing as I strive to go down a size or two... still)

I've been praying more and asking God for opportunities to use the gifts He's given me, and it has been a very good week on that front. It is such a great feeling when God gives us people to minister to. Even today, my son and I saw a woman who needed help with a flat tire and since we keep an electric pump with us in our vehicle, it was a no-brainer. Just being aware of what is going on around us and not in a big rush--a plug for good time management is that it affords us opportunities to listen when someone needs to talk or help someone in need.

The older I get the more precious time and opportunities are. I love Jesus and want God to use me--to work through me. I'm not able to do a lot, but through me He can do a tremendous amount. I have spent far too much time 'not' talking to Jesus like I did when I was a newer believer and far too much time thinking mainly of getting outside mom mode.

I love being a mom; it is the best thing in life for me. I love being a wife and a homemaker, too. With all of the deaths this year between Greenfield, church, and that of my good friend, it can't be missed that there is no guarantee how long I'll have my family or how long I'll have opportunities to serve here on Earth. When it was just me and the Lord, I was consumed with sharing the truth with everyone, and I want to get back to Him using me like that again.

24A man of too many friends comes to ruin,

But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

The Memorial Service

I love this picture of Terri and our kids. She was watching them while the Mister and I were away celebrating our anniversary. She was so much fun and gave herself to relationships. It is why we got so close. She let me in, and she did things to demonstrate her interest in our lives. I could never be as resourceful as her, nor as creative. Her energy was so high.

The service today was beautiful. A clear gospel presentation, albeit a little strong with demeanor and abrupt in some regards. I'm so glad all the friends could sit together.

It is so difficult to accept that this person full of life is gone forever, and the ending was so terrible. I miss our talks and thinking about the future together, but it was hard for her and getting harder. All of the uncertainty...

Prayers for her family left behind...

Day 6

Dear Terri,

I know this is not a note you'll actually see, but I wanted to tell you what has been going on. If you were here, I'd definitely be talking to you a lot.

Things have been really hard since you died. We're all struggling, trying to understand, questioning ourselves and all sorts of things. But you'd be really happy to see how we're all also trying to comfort one another.

I can hear your voice saying, "Jen, Jen, it will be all right." in that big sister sort of way you'd say things to me.

I want to tell you not to go, not to give up.

Remember how sometimes we'd talk about growing old and the girls growing up? You're going to miss all of that and I'm just devastated.

I know you loved me and that we shared something special. But I'm also seeing that you talked to everyone about so many of the same things, and it is making me sad to see you just weren't fulfilled; it seems like it was never enough to really make you be at peace. I just don't understand why you weren't secure in all of the amazing abilities you had and all the friends you had. I don't understand why the darkness swallowed you up and that you are gone now.

I'm trying to comfort our friends. I've even gotten to comfort people who knew you earlier but lost touch. I am not sure what you would say to see me holding someone sobbing that you are gone. It is so tragic, especially when they know I'm hurting more...

But that is what we do. That is what you would do, too.

We got together last night, for the first time. I started to text you to invite you. All I can do is cry out to God and ask for His help.

Last night I could be so confident in God's sovereignty. Jeff and the girls gave me Bible verses to share and everyone got one to read. Donna and I prayed aloud for us all.

We're all hurting so much, Terri. I believe God's timing is right. I believe He called you home. I believe there aren't mistakes. But I just want to know why I couldn't stop you. I want to know why none of us could. I want to tell you don't go. It's going to get better.

But it is too late. And you wouldn't have listened. And I have to believe that. We all do.

I didn't cry a lot yesterday. Sunday's sermon was so good and helped me a lot. Then the little memorial service where you died was a blessing to me to see how nice of a place it was.

I'm going to try to talk to Donna now.

I love you,

Saturday

I feel like I'm going to be swallowed up with pain sometimes, like when I look at Terri's picture. How is she gone? I've re-read notes from her and it just makes me miss her more and want her back. I have to keep reminding myself she is with the Lord, she loved me, she isn't feeling like I wasn't a good enough friend or that I somehow let her down. She was so selfless and always eager to get together. She became like a sister to me in several ways, and I just can't believe she is gone.

February

For some reason, God has worked it so I lose those closest to me in February. Though it isn't limited to those closest; there are other deaths as well.

It is one thing to get to where you lose your parents. We crossed that bridge of misery 20 yrs ago when I was 22. A week later, that parent's mother also died, my grandmother. It was a hard year.

I won't list them all, but it has now come to where I've not only said goodbye to the generation of parents, grandparents, and a baby cousin, but now my closest friend in the area where I live. This is a different and terrible grief. A void is yet again present, and I guess yet again God is keeping me from getting too close to other women.

Sure, I have some wonderful and good friends here still, but the one who was doing some things with the same views as me is gone. We tried to live in the world but not be of it. No, we didn't do everything the same nor did I agree with all she did; that was sometimes a point of discussion...how to let go of our oldest slowly. It was getting harder for her; I was concerned at times.

But now there is no woman for me to talk to about what the boundaries are, decent movies for the kids, helping them grow in Christ...the practical side of parenting and the decisions we were starting to make. We saw a lot of these things the same, and that gets harder the older a body gets.

I know better days are ahead. I'm thankful my friend's suffering is over, but I miss her and that anguish feels overtaking at times. I can't believe she is gone. All the good times. All the times of having her over for tea or lunch. All the times of my oldest spending time with her family playing games, eating lunch or dinner, going out to dinner...talking of my oldest vacationing with them at some point, talking of college, retiring...planning...enduring the heartache of the kids growing up.

We were so close in recent years because she and I both gave to the relationship. I didn't do more giving and neither did she; it was balanced, and I've found that hard to come by.

Our girls are best friends, and there is a special tie with that.

And she is gone forever, suddenly, and we're all still here.

How do I say goodbye when she is already gone? I don't want to.

How Do You Sleep When the Pain is Hard

I'm not sure how to sleep on a night like this. You were just here, and now your gone. I didn't get to say goodbye. Or tell you once more how much you mean to me. But I know you knew. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and remember this day. I want it to be better, and it is just starting. How do I say goodbye when you've already gone?

First posted 2/24/17, two days after my dear friend left this life and entered into eternity. 

When It's Time to Die

I spent some time today with an elderly friend who is quite sick with bronchitis. She is a sweet woman who is amazingly independent given her age of 92. Something I like about her is her opinions and honesty, for example, I was cutting up a chicken breast (bone in) for her today so I could cook it, and she showed me just how to cut the meat. We discussed leaving the right amount of skin on for flavor, and she didn't want to waste the bone/rib portion since a little meat that is too small to cut can be eaten when cooked. I was sharing with her about boneless tenderloins, which would be great since cutting is hard on her at this point, but she didn't miss a beat in sharing that all her meat has to come with a bone! I loved it, a woman who knows what tastes better and is healthier. The marrow in bones is full of nutrition and will produce the best soups as well as impart vitamins/minerals to the meat when cooking. At least that is my understanding about it :).

This friend is ready to be with the Lord; we talk about it and how great it will be. We lament the culture of today and talk of how hard it is to look at my kids, for example, and what they have coming in this country as they age. It is blessed to be nearer the Lord than starting out in some regards. It doesn't sound pleasant, but it was since we see the issue the same.

So what I wanted to write about is that when it's nearer my time to die, assuming it's not going to be sudden like from a car crash, I hope I care about cooking and am able to. I hope I can see all the little clocks around my home that need batteries (if I happen to have such items). This friend of mine is remarkably quick minded even though her 90th birthday was a couple of years ago. She loves our pastor, as do I, and loves to grow in her understanding of Jesus Christ. She's a grateful women, fun to talk with. I hope to be like that even now, but especially when I'm ailing. Growing old gracefully comes from living a grace-filled life, so at least I can try to practice now. :)

Remembering Me

Nearing 40, I've known plenty of people who have passed in to eternity. It was hardest to lose my mom when I was in college. She was a woman I dearly loved. We saw many things the same, some things differently, but we could talk. A week later, her mother-my Bubby, died. That same month many years prior, my 2 yr old cousin died due to a a complication from chicken pox. 

A few years ago, the same month as all of those mentioned, my beloved mother-in-law passed into eternity. How I hope to have a daughter-in-law that loves me as I loved her.

The list doesn't stop there...an uncle, my friend's infant son, the rest of my grandparents, my husband's grandmother, friends, and friends/family of friends/family...

When I think of my friends and their family, there are images in my mind of how they'll be remembered. My closest friend's grandpa and his hats and kind expression, another good friend's mom and how she bakes sourdough for elderly friends and various neighbors, and so many of my precious friends that I hope I predecease.

We are all leaving impressions with people, day in and day out. If someone knows us at all, if we die before them, they are going to think of a predominate characteristic to associate with us anytime they happen to remember us. And this brings me to what I've been thinking a lot about lately.

How am I going to be remembered? 

Death

The fact is, the older we get, the more death we see. The more friends we lose, the more we understand how much it hurts to say goodbye. It starts to become a rare year that isn't touched by death in some form or fashion. Last week an acquaintance of mine passed away after battling cancer like a soldier. Our contact ebbed and flowed, but I needed to pay respects to the family. Yesterday, my daughter's dance instructor's mother unexpectedly passed. Her teacher is a sweet girl and it pains me to know what their family is going through. A faithful husband now alone, with many years ahead of him more than likely. I look forward to the day death loses it's sting.