What He Must Be if He Wants to Marry my Daughter, Sermon by Voddie Baucham

 What He Must Be if He Wants to Marry My Daughter 

I've appreciated Voddie's commitment to the family and God's order for the home for years. His teaching on this topic reveals a solid grasp of what is needed to lead and guide a family. In order to lead, a man needs a woman willing to follow. 

Many conservative Christian young women want to be full-time homemakers and mothers, and many want to homeschool their children. This takes fortitude, the ability to work hard, industriousness, and a strong walk with the Lord. Educated mothers can raise educated children. 

There are men who want a traditional family to lead and care for. This requires a plan and intentionality.

My advice to men: work hard at becoming a man who can provide stability spiritually, emotionally and financially for a family. Be men of integrity; finish what you start, and do what you say you will do. Get advice from the type of man a quality girl will seek out.

My advice to young women: work hard serving those around you, have a job where you can use your talents and support yourself should you end up not marrying, and cultivate modest femininity. Men don't want a girl who looks like she's waiting around for a meal ticket. 

No one expects perfection in a young man or woman, but that doesn't mean there aren't standards. ♥

mustaches

I'm not sure why there is this craze of young men growing mustaches, but they don't look good. A quite handsome young man shifts to a rather unattractive young man because of one. 

You may ask how I have come to this opinion? I can think quickly of 3 examples that I've known personally. Then there are countless in the cyber online dating app world. 

What is up with mothers not telling their sons they look far less cute with a hairy upper lip? Lest you think this is just my opinion, think again. It's a view attractive young women I know have, as well as an attractive mature man.

Please, if you are actually looking to find a beautiful young bride, shave!! Shave it all!

The Glad Assumption of Sacrificial Responsibility

Seven Important Lessons About Masculinity

The title of this post was shared by my masculine husband as a good definition of manliness. 

I Googled it and started reading up on Doug Wilson since we were discussing him in that conversation, and then I stumbled upon this article, linked to above. 

It mentions how we're made to dance... we do not really dance, but the image of how beautiful it is to see a man and woman ballroom dancing is lovely. A man leading to showcase the woman's beauty. Nice imagery!

Effeminate traits in men are not good. Thinking like a female rather than a male, or physical weakness, are obvious traits that don't make anyone think 'he's manly!', but there is more to it than that. Those characteristics are important, don't get me wrong. I love how strong my husband and son are. The physical strength of men is by God's design and it is something to encourage and praise. Thinking like a man is critical. Goodnight, women are complex and the over-analyzing many of them engage in is wearisome. 

But I digress--back to men and what masculinity is!

Read on!

Mark Rippitoe Starting Strength

great book to get started weight lifting, but there are a few unsavory words

Wisdom in Relationships (Dating)

I've got a good friend whose son grew up alongside one of my daughters. At some point, I was lamenting to her mother that he's her only child left unmarried....and he is dating someone! To my friend, I had mentioned it would be nice to all get together, which wouldn't be easy since her son no longer lives in the area...he's in college and is a man taking charge of his life.

Wisely my friend simply said that she does not get involved with her kids dating lives. That really resonated with me since I've known this lady well for quite some time, and I know she's lived through some things. I've also been on the receiving end of people forming relationships with us solely because one of the children in the family had designs on one of my children. I didn't think my suggestion would be nearly as brazen, offensive or off-putting, but it is still on the same side of the coin.

My good friend has my respect. I took her advice to heart, and decided to steer clear of set ups in any form for my children. 

Prayer,  no games, and I'll continue to befriend people I like as friends for me--no strings attached.

A Word to the Husbands

Recently I wrote a post geared more toward wives and how they can be a blessing to their husbands, but tonight it has been on my mind to write a few words to husbands who wish their wives were more fun, or more fun-loving. If you seldom laugh with your spouse, or aren't really friends who enjoy days alone together, read on.

How often do we come to be dissatisfied with a creature of our own creation? A financially prudent husband could, after many years of marriage, find his free-spirit wife to be a bit, dis-spirited. The whimsy of their youthful days and her dreaming are long gone......he recalls it and how full of energy she was, yet fails to realise he has squelched any dreamy-ness by seldom, if ever, giving her the chance to be 'free'.  Has his practical side won out time and again to the point she doesn't even bother trying to ask about that puppy, or flower garden or playset for the grandkids? Perhaps her life would be more joyful if she had been allowed to have some hobbies at home. 

Wives can also be taxed by free-spirited husbands who saddle them with the job of picking up the financial pieces as they wheel and deal how they wish, often spending money needed for serious things. This scenario is tough on wives. The husband expects her unfailing enthusiasm and support as he neglects her gift of financial savvy, then leaves her worried about how the bills will get paid. He irresponsibly prattles about while she laments and robs Peter to pay Paul.

Marriage is meant to allow us the chance to give in to one another when reasonable. We grow when things aren't always our way!

--Do we have to love every idea from our spouse? 

--If your spouse doesn't like to be with you that much, why is that? Are you more fun with others, and if so, why? Do you do something rather often they can't take much of?

--Are you selfish and unbending? Have you asked your seemingly unhappy spouse if there is something really fun they'd enjoy doing or having, and then helping make it a reality?

--Think of things that drive you just about other people and ask God, or your spouse, if you demonstrate that same tendency. Often we are great at diagnosing our problem, but we mask it by being critical of someone else.

Don't be afraid to hash these things out. Fresh starts are always available if we are willing to humble ourselves. God's mercies are new very morning! It takes intentional work to be close as the kids move out. Start before they are gone! Watching my sister do this made a big difference. She worked hard to enjoy time with just her husband when the kids were young teens and that has carried into truly relishing time together now that it is just the two of them.

If you failed to plan for the empty nest, then dig in now and date your spouse. Pay attention to what they like and want. Learn to cook together, get a little vacation cottage, join a gym together (and go together weekly), plant a garden....if you want to be interesting, then become interesting! I knew a lady many years ago who purposed to read about what her husband was interested in so he would continue to find her attractive as the years went along. This runs both directions. 

To have a friend, you need to BE a friend. Start with who you sleep with.

What Does Respect Look Like?

The Misunderstood Ingredient

The sermon above is one of the best, if not the best, I've heard given on biblical submission. Pastor Darrin is the pastor of First Baptist Church in Wheeling, WV. I've been listening to most of his messages for about 4 years now, essentially for one year prior to my oldest child attending his church and the subsequent 3 years when she was a member. Now that she's no longer there, I continue to listen because he is a pastor full of love for his congregation. He sacrifices, along with his beautiful wife, to serve the people God has entrusted him with. The time and attention he puts into studying cannot be missed and are matched by the other pastor I strive to listen to weekly, John MacArthur.

If you listen to the sermon linked to above, you will surely know what respect for a husband looks like. As a wife, I usually know, but sometimes I'm not paying attention and might act in a way that isn't respectful. We all learn what our husbands want, or at least, we should...and as seasons change, we should take stock and see if we need to up our game. 

God gives us husbands to be our priest, provider and protector. How do we honor that? Our tone of voice, stopping to look at them and greet them when they enter a room, looking at them when they speak to us, following their lead---these are things that mean a lot. Our husbands should be who we ask first about biblical questions and who we go to for advice. They are the spiritual head of the home and they appreciate when we show regard for their opinions.

Regarding husbands being our providers--whether a wife works outside the home or not, it is her duty and calling to keep the home and make it a haven for her husband. We are told to be keepers at home. If we do not have to work for financial reasons, I don't think we should if we use it as an excuse to not cultivate the skills of maintaining a lovely place for the family to live. We show respect to our husbands when we make the home a priority. They have provided it, and our nurture of it shows our gratitude in ways words alone fail to do. Not liking housework or cooking is an excuse that is, quite honestly, lame. I do not think God is pleased when wives rebel and refuse to keep the home in a way that is pleasing to their husbands or who will not learn to cook because it isn't fun. NO amount of outside work makes up for failing to obey God's word. There is safety for a wife to not be influenced regularly from outside the home, and being home and tending it causes a dependence on the husband that is good. Home made meals are healthier, budget friendlier, and a wife can stay in shape keeping the house up which is a way to respect her husband. Look good for your man as best you can!

Honoring our husbands as our protector--God has set up the family unit so that men are the head and that is because BY DESIGN men are strong--mentally and physically. They create a hedge around the family, and we need to look to them as that by placing ourselves under their watchful care. The more we are out of the house, the harder this is. Women who do not have husbands should be under the care of their father, meaning they should defer to their Dad's advice first and foremost, letting suitors know how close she is to her father. It is a protection for her. Wives who are clearly under their husbands will naturally have less negative influences coming at them from the outside. Everyone just knows that a wife backed by a strong man is not easily swayed. 

Ladies, learn your husband's wants and needs and do things the way he wants. That is how to respect him. Don't make him tell you to cook for him and clean the house and do his laundry--of course he wants that, but he doesn't want to have to force you. Submission is to willingly and lovingly cultivate what is needed to serve your husband. It is an attitude from the wife, who can hire some things out if needed, but she should first make sure she is putting aside those things that are easy "go-to's" outside the home and do the hard work of being a competent home maker. That shows a husband respect for what he has done and shows you care about him enough to take physical care of him. In the process, you will surely benefit. ♥

Respecting Young Men

Young ladies who wish to date a young man, if only you knew what his parents thought of how you dress and act. If it is lovely, be sure it is noticed. If it smells of worldliness or debauchery, be equally sure it is noticed. 

When parents carefully raise their tender little baby boy through the rough and tumble toddler years, into the fun and active boyhood years, and then into early manhood, there are many snares to warn about. A young man who loves the Lord desires to please Him. He must wage the daily battle in his mind to keep his thoughts and actions in line with God. He is learning how to lead and will need time and patience to fully realize that important skill as opportunities present themselves. Some days this young man will seem fully independent, working hard and long hours, often without many breaks for food or rest. Other days he will need to talk and be around the house with those who love and care for him. What he never needs are scantily clad females flirting with him. He and his parents can spot what a girl is about a mile away, and while it may cause him to struggle mentally, that will not win his affection. A girl who isn't striving to please her parents and the Lord will certainly not gain the approval of this sort of young man or his parents. Rebellion comes in various shades, but it is always spotted, and a godly young man's parents will certainly steer him away from it and will train him to steer clear. Please love your brothers in Christ enough to cover yourself up and treat them as you hope ladies will one day treat YOUR son--who you have spent your life raising in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Be the girl a man will want to MARRY, not get a cheap thrill from looking at or interacting with from time to time. Be serious about your relationship with the Lord, dress modestly (when in doubt: don't), smile and be friendly. That is how to show a young man respect and gain the approved notice of his parents. ♥

Romance...Dating

I love sitting in my family room with our sweet 10 month old puppy snoozing. It is not something I do alone often, but when it happens, like tonight, it is fun. 

I've had something rolling about in my mind and am finally getting time to put my thoughts down. It is regarding dating, courtship, and how to learn to deal with the opposite sex. 

Our church youth group is a perfect scenario for boys and girls to interact and learn how to 'be' around each other. There is serious study time with this group twice weekly, and about twice per month there is a large group activity. During these the kids all play games together, talk, eat, and hone their social skills in an appropriate, monitored environment. There isn't any need for dating in order for them to learn how to properly 'be' with each other. It is something I didn't appreciate for a long time; I hadn't really thought about the benefits of youth activities, but this is a major one and something I truly appreciate. It takes a lot of time and resources and our youth pastor puts his heart and soul in to these events as well as the solid teaching he provides.

In thinking about hearts, I've been reminded recently that the heartache that accompanies dating in the secular use of the word is completely unnecessary and avoidable. Why people buy in to the world's idea on getting your heart all wrapped up with someone of the opposite sex eludes me. Not only did I experience the downside of that notion, I've watched it for years in the secular sense and the "Christian" sense. I've seen how that closeness in dating is a distraction from what matters in the teen years and how it often leads to poor choices, and sometimes, serious consequences. But it doesn't have to be that way. Even if nothing physical happens, as in many "Christian" dating scenarios, the relationship goes beyond where it should on an emotional level and the fallout can take years to recover from. Something doesn't have to have been done wrong in order for a better route to be available. Something doesn't have to have been done wrong to realize how you did it wasn't ideal. Sadly, too many parents allow great permissiveness with teens in this area while not having a proportionate level of responsibility in place. This imbalance lends itself to the drama and emotional distress kids experience when they get their heart entwined with someone through dating.

Dating is a word that has many defining points, and for this discussion, I'll define it as a relationship between a man and woman that is exclusive and involves seeing one another often, regular communication, time alone together, and some measure of physical contact or closeness where it is the couple who decides the tone and pace of the relationship with little oversight from others. It is not meant to be long term but sometimes turns in to a long term situation or leads to marriage, but it is not entered in to for that reason. 

I'm sure there are better definitions, such as what I'll find in a couple of books a friend of mine just loaned me. The contrast of courtship to dating, using my definition or any other, is that courtship is set up for the couple to get to know each other without the strong emotional tie that leaves one heartbroken if things don't work out. Ideally there will be more scenarios of disappointment rather than crazy lamenting if the courtship ends. This is because parents or mature friends have been involved in the courtship, helping the couple spend time together but not alone to the same degree as dating. This is not just to help with physical temptation, which the world likes to pretend doesn't exist, but also to help keep the emotions from getting too hot and heavy before the proper time. We all know passions come and go, and the high you get when first around someone you are interested in changes over time into something different if you actually stick with them, so learning about a person of the opposite sex without all the hormonal charge allows you to get to know them with your mind. As you go along any red flags that come up can be dealt with in a careful way that doesn't have a lot of collateral damage.  Courtship is about marriage, God's design for the male/female relationship. It is done prayerfully and carefully, and it isn't distracting nor is it for kids who are not of marrying age.

As I tell my children all the time: you have your whole life to be grown up with grown up responsibilities. Right now relish in the time spent with family, for it will never be this way again--all of us under the same roof with loads of time to spend together. Don't awaken love before its time. When it is time, it will be great and you'll be able to do something about it, but for now, study hard, learn all you can about God, enjoy the family God has given you, and keep your eyes fixed on Christ. He will work out His will for your life. Don't presume anything by 'playing marriage'. For parents, do we know if God intends our kids to marry? Why pretend that we know they will and get their minds fixated on that when it is entirely possible He has other plans for their life? I don't want to make any of my kids feel that marriage is the only acceptable route for them to take in this life. This is another reason they need to focus on being educated and becoming contributing members of society. Equip them in all areas and keep asking God to guide them. Being close to family is a great way to learn how to be an adult with a family of ones' own.

For these reasons, I'm learning more about courtship and what we want to suggest to our kids when they are old enough to think about it. Not only my experience, but the experiences of those around me and what I see in the Bible have me more convinced than ever that dating is not the best option for people interested in marrying or who want to spend time with the opposite sex. God has given many venues to get to know people and have fun that have nothing to do with dating.