Stay Pure-To My Children

No stage of parenting is easy. Days can be easy, seasons easier, but parenting takes hard work, day in and day out, for years without end. Don't do what will give you children until you are ready to strive to parent well daily. 

A pot of water does not go from cold to boiling. Wisdom dictates not starting down a path you don't want to finish. Stick to the high road. 

No one becomes addicted who never takes a drink. Why set your feet on a path where you'll have to stand still for months on end? Or take a road that has the potential to lead to a place you'll regret going, or ruin a special moment you'd planned for your engagement or wedding day?

Loss of respect for yourself or another is not easily regained. Regret sticks in the mind sometimes for life.

Sacrificial love is to do what is best for another without thought for your own desires or needs. Starting this at the beginning of a relationship will aid the firm foundation of self-control that marks great marriages. 

When a man demonstrates self-control to his future bride, it instills confidence in her that he will remain faithful during the inevitable hard times that come with marriage. 

When a woman demonstrates self-control to her future husband, she shows a greater capacity to honor his wishes as the mother of his children. She'll be better equipped to fight her own selfish impulses, which is necessary for sacrificial mothering. 

Modesty regards behavior as well as dress. Don't play games with 'conservative sexiness' or coyness. Govern yourself. It is wise to choose to be more careful than necessary in honor of your Lord, rather than hover at the line which should not be crossed.

As with many things, we only fool ourselves when we try to skirt godly standards. Our inner man is revealed subtly to those around us and will impact our opportunities and reputation. 

Holiness concerns itself with godliness. 

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Gal 6:9

Wedding Etiquette-To My Children

The degradation of society is seen through posts I find oddly, and shockingly, necessary to write to you three. In my heart, I feel certain this is unnecessary for each of you, but so that I can rest easy, and incase you marry worse than your father and I hope and pray, here it is.

You invite those to your wedding who will pray for you and support you in your marriage. You invite those who are family members in good standing and who have a relationship with you or Dad and I. Honor those who've taken an interest in you in the church family with an invitation. Above all, never invite married couples individually, meaning, without including their spouse. It is rude and insulting, and if you deigned to invite a wife without her husband, particularly if he is known to you, that is the height of matriarchy and insult. I don't care the reasons, fabricated or otherwise, but know that is unacceptable in a Christian setting to do such a thing. Let people decline, but do not presume to decide for them for any reason whatsoever. People make their own decisions based on what they are able to do and based on what is most important to them. 

You include friends and family of you and your spouse, and you include people who mean a lot to your parents. Sometimes it is work friends of your parents--people who care about us and so in turn, care about you. It is a beautiful time of celebrating and realizing that marriage involves support through the years of many, and it often comes about on the prayers of people who have loved you since before you were born, or helped along by those who are involved in our lives the most each week. 

Cut costs where you can and must, but not at the cost of harming relationships with people who rightly expect you to include them in such a happy time. It is better to do small and well, than bigger and foolishly. 

Lord willing, Dad and I will be here to help guide you through one of the best days of your life. 

Love,

Mom 

A Discussion that Reeks of Disillusionment

I was talking to someone today, praising the work of her relative who is a man who is en route to be a naval flight officer. I said it's a good job for a man to have. The reply was that women have faster reflexes. In turn I say,  yes, but there's more to the job than that. She went on to say it'd be interesting to see the reports or statistics, as if to imply there are reasons it is a job a woman should/can have... 

I dropped the conversation because there's no reasoning with women who still think so lowly of the roles traditionally assigned to women. Women who think that only "male jobs matter" are clueless to true reality. They can't see that just because you "can" doesn't mean you "should". Plus, what is wrong with there being things each sex is better equipped to do? It's not a problem for each of us to be better at certain things... I feel like women who can only be satisfied if girls get to do all the things the boys do are only perpetuating the erroneous thinking that some jobs (MAN jobs) matter most. It's this idea that has so many females pushing to be in all the boy things. We can't have boy-only sports or groups because stupid women have jumped into the perceived "male stuff is better", leaving their girl-only groups. This only adds more credence to that notion that what the men do and think must be better, so let's all run over there. I say, why not embrace and love what God designed women to excel with? I find it small minded to compete with men for roles that require physical strength and hard mental stamina. Women are gifted differently and beautifully. Why not find value in that? I sure do. 

Divine Design book

This stems back to the Garden of Eden. The woman wants to rule OVER the man, not be equal. But nothing will change the REALITY. God made us DIFFERENT yet equal, and the husband is the one to rule over his wife. To lovingly lead her and give the guidance she needs. 

Eve in Exile book

Women, who are wives like this one I talked to today, are so unhappy in their marriages compared to the ladies I know who think very differently, including myself. 

Wear the pants, do the extremely stressful full time work... how satisfied are you at 50 years old with what you poured into your home and children? How's your health and marriage? 

Child Rearing Tip--A Note for My Children

I was reminded of something today. 

If a child is old enough to defy a parent in a certain way, they are able to understand enough why you are correcting them. Waiting until they have the understanding you have is a recipe for a very sinful, rebellious child. Don't be deceived by resources that tell you kids need to understand before you discipline them. The rod of correction drives sin far from a child. When sin is committed, it is the parent's job to correct it as God instructs. As with the Israelites in the time of the Judges, partial obedience will bring God's hand of correction and consequences that are serious. The Lord has called parents to train up their children in the way they should go. Doesn't mean they will go that way, but we have to do the hard work of driving sin far from them while they are still young and under our control. First time obedience with a good attitude is critical. No talking back, no defiantly questioning before obeying, and it should be very rare that there's questioning at all before obeying, unless you somehow were not clear in your instructions. Kids can bring a biblical appeal if they think you've forgotten something, but if they question you and your authority in their lives, it is rebellion against God and needs to be treated seriously, right away. It isn't a matter of offending you, making you angry, or inconveniencing you as their parent. Are they obeying the authority God has put over them? If they aren't responding as they should to the Lord, then you need to step in and make sure they do not do it that same way again. 

Remember with firstborns, the younger are watching and the stakes are high. Satan wants your firstborn because he knows the others are more likely to follow and it will cause marital strife. It is like bowling pins. Knock down the one in front, chances of it hitting the rest are great. 

Parenting Tips From Dr. and Mrs. Iles

https://www.acl.org.au/blog/blog-mi-parentingtips/

I happily came upon these tips while looking up information about Martyn Iles, the new CEO of Answers in Genesis. We support and affirm AiG's message and ministry, and with two children at Cedarville University, were aware of the recent Living in Babylon tour. We were able to tune in while our children attended live, and it was the first time we'd heard Martyn speak. Needless to say, it's a comfort to see the Lord's provision in providing a competent successor when Ken Ham is no longer serving. Martyn is brilliant. 

Regarding Ken and the late Buddy Davis, it's as though we grew up with them. Our children loved Buddy, and my husband and I were saved within AiG's first decade of existence. We've always been blessed to have excellent teaching regarding creationism. Henry Morris was a professor at Virginia Tech, where the Mr. and I came to know Christ as our Savior. We never knew Christianity without The Institute of Creation Research or the then-budding AiG. I recall clearly when we prayed for the Creation Museum to be built one day, and then the process of it finally coming to fruition. It was a project only God could oversee, and He did. Visiting with our children when they were small was incredible. I read every word of every sign (much to the chagrin of my "skimming" family!).

All this to say, these parenting tips are very good and I hope you'll aim for them!

Working at Home and Homeschooling

I stumbled upon this article regarding homeschooling moms working from home. It could apply to anyone trying to be home and working with small children though. 

https://heav.org/work-at-home-mom/

Homeschool Q&A #8 Common Misconceptions

Q: What are some common misconceptions about homeschooling that you've encountered?

A: People who do not yet understand homeschooling have a lot of ideas that are erroneous, but that is ok. We're all wrong about something! They might think you need a teaching degree to be a good teacher, they think you aren't actually educating well when you homeschool, they think there are no set grade levels since some homeschoolers act that way, and they think socialization is best done by being around a hoard of same-aged people. Interestingly, at no time in life are adults only around same-aged people, and I'm not sure where the logic is to think being surrounded by mostly immature children one's own age is going to help develop skills for success in life.... Anyway, the more you educate yourself, the more confidence you will have, but honestly, the proof will be in the pudding. We had a LOT of naysaying and at first I felt it was my duty to convince others and educate them, and eventually I was just too busy doing the work I was tasked with (by choice!) and decided I didn't care what anyone else thought. Years later and everyone on both sides of our family have continually praised the result, even my family members extended families. Our children are academically inclined by God, and we did our best to nurture that. People see that plus the godly character He's instilled, and I even have a niece planning to homeschool even though she does not walk with Christ. It is hard to describe what I endured at the start vs. where things are now. I believe Voddie Baucham's The Children of Caesar videos (free on YouTube, part 1 and part 2) give some good statistics that are likely even better now regarding homeschoolers academic prowess v. public schools. Even children homeschooled by parents who didn't finish high school perform better than about 70-75% of their public school peers. The numbers get better with high school graduates doing the teaching, parents who attended college...all those "professional" teachers and same-aged kids are not resulting in better performance academically, and that is the main point of school I thought. 

A closing truth to this idea you'll hear: 

"Aren't you sheltering your children too much by homeschooling?"

Truth: it is right for parents to shelter their children. This is a wicked world and until they are strong enough and grown, you better believe I'm going to shelter them and train them as best I can. I thank God I was able to stay home and choose what influenced my kids. As the parent, that is the privilege and responsibility. Throwing them to the wolves is a real crap-shoot in today's world. 

fall 2025 plantings

Homeschool Q&A #6 Socialization

Q:  How do you handle socialization and extracurricular activities for your children?

A: Socialization: one of the best things about homeschooling is having high standards that you can enforce. Being able to guide your children toward quality friendships, and help them avoid those that will bring trouble, is one of the best benefits of homeschooling. Do not be afraid to steer away when you or your husband sees trouble ahead. Pray for discernment. I have numerous examples of how this is very important. Friends can make or break a child, and it is better to have no friends than the wrong friends. God will work through this aspect of the growing years more than many other ways if your family is like ours and others I've known. 

Places/ways to be with others:

church-3 times a week for us, YMCA homeschool PE class, library programs (but be careful of content these days), local homeschoolers teaching classes like art, there used to be a Nature Days program we did weekly, homeschool groups like REACH that take field trips-- I'm sure on FB there are local groups that can outline what is around these days, volunteering together (assisted living: go visit and take homemade pictures; play piano for them), serve meals with homeless shelter, clean cages at pet shelter and pet puppies, music lessons, dance lessons, Parks and Rec Sports, private sport lessons like tennis and fencing, political opportunities to volunteer and serve together...I had a literature group meet in my home that I taught a few times for just about 4 or 5 weeks and had a friend invite us to her group for years (didn't go, but opportunity was there). If you have a skill you could offer to have a few moms and their kids over to learn it or do a craft together or meet up at a park...you have to make the effort since the kids aren't with others otherwise, but it is not hard, and they really do not need tons of time with other kids. Family time is more important.

We were in a homeschool co-op where we had classes with other kids from the time our kids were very young on up, weekly. Lots do not do this, but it was what we liked. The main concern new homeschoolers need to be aware of is that you can lose a lot of valuable time socializing and not doing sufficient school/training your kids. The opportunities ABOUND and are fun and appealing, but to educate, you do need to be home some ;). 

Academics do get to where it is an all day thing, but that is middle and high school, though the work was generally all finished by dinner time, so evenings were free. In high school this changes some depending on what they've got going on (for example we started dual-enrollment in college classes in 11th gr).

Side note to go with this issue:

Stick to a schedule to help yourself not socialize to a fault, and I heartily recommend an early bedtime. Even in middle school and high school we said to go up to bed at 9 pm. They had time to unwind, read, have good hygiene, etc. and my husband and I needed our time together to unwind. Remember, the kids will leave one day and you need to continually work on being close to your husband. Our very young kids went to bed at 7:30, then 8 was the norm for a long long time. I attribute a lot of the anxiety/depression and underperformance academically that I've witnessed to parents letting their kids stay up late, especially as they got to middle/high school. Early good habits stick with children as they age. I'm not a morning person, but we got the kids up and moving and started school no later than 8 am. 

laceleaf Japanese maple during the deep freeze Jan 2026

Homeschool Q&A #4 Managing Time

Q: How do you manage your time and balance homeschooling with other responsibilities?

A: Homeschooling children in K, 1st, 2nd, 3rd only takes a short time. Lessons are short and subjects need to only be a few. Even 4th/5th graders are done by noon at the latest if you start early enough. We had our kids do a quiet time in the afternoon for about 2 hrs to read/nap/draw/play quietly. They learned to focus their attention (no electronics), love to read, appreciated the alone time etc. It was needed for me to take care of things without them around. They all had chores and we worked together as part of their training (it was on the spreadsheet), so the chores were done. There wasn't homework--we did all the math at one time, then we did all the English...early schooling is delightful and quick. 2 hrs you are finished if in 1st/2nd gr. Paying attention and obeying mom is all part of the discipline (Shepherding A Child's Heart by Ted Tripp; The Heart of Anger by Lou Prioli--excellent parenting helps). Our standard was to obey mom/dad cheerfully the first time. We held them to that, and our home was generally peaceful. I modeled what I wanted them to become, and our view is that what we do, they will push beyond, so that sometimes meant me refraining from what I could handle/want in order to not create appetites in my kids that would possibly cause them to stumble. 

Homeschool Q&A #2 and # 3 Deciding on Curriculum and Support

Q: How did you decide on a homeschooling curriculum or approach? What resources or support systems did you find most helpful?

A: We started with simple workbooks when our oldest showed a need for some more educational stimulation. Rainbow Resource had (and has) something called Developing the Early Learner and we loved that. 10-15 min a day added to the playing and little household chores we did together. Shortly after that, we got Mind Bender books for the very young and just started expanding on our daily living together. We moved to VA in Nov when the kids were 4, 2 and <1. The HEAV Convention that June or the following was where I started to learn about curriculum and methods of home educating. I had no idea there were so many options. We joined a co-op at the church we were attending at the time, and had the kids take some classes there. We met our first homeschooling friends by being in that co-op and we joined another couple of groups for field trip/support options. Co-ops abound in this area, or you can easily start one with a few other moms. My guess is that on FB you'll find groups in this area. 

We always read a lot to our kids even as babies, and we just kept that up. That sort of thing showed me how I could teach my kids anything. We would talk about the content. When it was time for more structure, we looked at what we could afford and seemed doable. What we started with isn't what we stuck with. As I learned more, I changed things up from time to time. First grade I went with Christian Liberty Press for everything with my oldest, halfway through the year I changed to a more in-depth English program others told me about (The Phonics Road to Spelling and Reading). A few years later I learned about classical education and man, it made so much sense. We started with that method, and I heartily loved it. 

Cathy Duffy has good reviews that are helpful, but the Convention in June will be most helpful. All About Reading is popular and looks good, and I loved All About Spelling. In early elementary though we just focused on reading, math and handwriting and I read to them from science and history books. Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Lessons is a good book to start with. Lots of math options to choose from. The key is to memorize math facts and do speed drills, even if your curriculum doesn't do them. You want proficiency and speed--mastery. You can print free math drill sheets online (at least you used to be able to!). My husband is a chemical engineer and had a lot of opinions on our math and he became the math teacher when our oldest reached 3rd grade. For the Children's Sake is a worthwhile book by Susan Schaeffer Macauley--she was the pioneer of the Charlotte Mason style of educating. Little Hands to Heaven is a nice young child Bible story book to go through. I like CHAP, it is a homeschool group in PA with nice posts on Facebook that I've often seen. We always belonged to HSLDA (the Homeschool Legal Defense Association--if you are a member and have legal trouble, they will help you for free) and their website has a lot of info on it. We also joined HEAV annually. 

Cathy Duffy Homeschool Curriculum Reviews Super User

Homeschool Q&A #1 Top Challenges

Q: What are the top challenges you faced when you first started homeschooling?

A: I'd say my two biggest challenges were learning to be a good, consistent parent and following a consistent routine. I'm not into routine or schedules by nature, but believe both are essential for an optimal learning environment and household. That aligns with the way my husband is, and my view is that it is my job to try to run things as best I can in a way that honors his desires. Everyone's husband is different; this was what worked best for us. I did not buy into the idea that the housework can wait until the kids are raised. We wanted to live in a clean, orderly home. So I had to learn how to manage it all. It was a learning curve. I used Doorposts charts which were very helpful with consistent discipline, made a schedule in Excel to have all the moving parts laid out for when chores were getting accomplished and when the kids had one on one time with me etc. I used 'days of the week' toy bins to keep the younger kids occupied during schooling times so my attention could be on one child at a time. There was a popular book out called Managers of Their Homes or something like that and it was useful. Before my husband would come home from work, the house got a quick tidy. Home educating was just one more part of the puzzle of child rearing, and I knew very little at first but started small and just kept learning. :)

Doorposts - Bible-Based Parenting and Character Training Material Welcome to Doorposts! We are delighted and privileged to join you as you serve God by raising up godly children ...

Another Post for My Children-The Premier of 2024

To My Beloved Young Adult Children,

I've been thinking and talking with Dad about young children and a few important things to keep in mind.

It has occurred to me that the memorization work involved with classically educating is very important, no matter how you decide to educate your own children one day. There can always be a memory portion added whether you go traditional, note-booking, Charlotte Mason.... Training the young mind to retain will reap rewards throughout your child's life--the importance can hardly be overstated. Your father and I agree it is a game-changer in the development of children for their education, and when the ripest opportunity ends, it is over, and it cannot be regained. No time is as fertile for memorizing facts as the elementary years. Use them well! Be sober-minded in regard to the responsibility to give your child every opportunity that promotes godly character and excellence in learning.

Along this line, remember that as stewards of the children God gives you, you must feed their minds and bodies protein each morning and each meal. The brain grows so rapidly! Strive to not waste a single meal on trash that is essentially empty calories full of fat or sugar. Being entrusted with the lives of young children who are fully dependent on you is the greatest blessing ever, and you want to do all you can in every respect to give them your best for their betterment. Set them up for success! A child does not know what they are missing if you only give them quality and they gain an appetite for what they are fed. How many children would be better behaved or smarter if they were fed wholesome nutritious meals, particularly at breakfast? A child who is never given sweets does not know they are not getting sweets. Live by a good standard and hold your children to a high standard. You want to look back knowing you were thoughtful, careful and loved them well. 

Finally, I've recently solidified a thought that has ruminated around for a while and it is a caution of sorts. This may not be anything more than anecdotal, but it seems to me that those home educators who are drum-beaters for a particular method are most likely to be afflicted with a pride that is woven rather tightly into the fabric of their being. It is a challenge to put into words, but my cautioning will hit the mark by simply stating what I have. As the saying goes, there are many ways to skin a cat and thus, there are many ways to educate. In point 1 above you see that my chief concern is to remind you that memory work is critical. Beyond that, find what you (or your wife) can successfully work with, and what your children respond well to, and do it heartily. No one here expects you to do things exactly as we did. You aren't clones of us and even if you were, your spouses will not be. Your state will have its mandates--Lord willing we will still be free to home educate. 

Keep God as your guide and seek Him. We will be here to cheer you on and love you.

Thankful for each of you, my pride and joy,

Mom

The Day After Graduating Our Youngest-To My Children

Written to my children...

Today's post isn't one that I've pondered for a while, waiting to get time to write it. Rather it is the result of what is currently going on. How to categorize the feelings and thoughts of a nearly 49 year old Christian wife and mother, who owns her own small residential cleaning business and has sold Mary Kay for 27 years, having just graduated her youngest child, and only son, is not a task this woman could have foreknown. It has been a year full of wonderful celebrations. My husband turned 50, we went away for a week to remember and enjoy that 25 years ago we pledged our lives to one another, our youngest child turned 18 and registered for the selective service, and we chose the college he'll attend. Milestones occurred with our young, professional eldest achieving a year at her work and being midway through her Master's degree. At newly 22, we're grateful for a daughter who loves us and who we love and enjoy being with. Our middle child is a steady source of pride and challenges me to think more linearly as her father does. She is reliable, dependable, and like the Lord in how she is a rock in times of trouble. I'm not a mother who lavishes false praise upon her children, these 3 people are among the absolute best I've been privileged to have the acquaintance of. As I write, the youngest and most recent high school graduate is at work a mile from home, and the middle daughter is driving the worst highway in America to settle in for a long desired summer internship she has worked hard for.

How do I feel today amidst all of this? I was asked that question last night by a friend who asks good questions at poignant intervals of life. It was a blessing to have a close knit audience with which to whisper my gradually releasing emotions to over graduating the youngest and only son, thereby closing the doors of our homeschool Academy forever. My rather extreme laryngitis has been interestingly timed, which I'll credit our good God with. Even so, too much was spoken over the course of the evening and the price is being paid today. 

Aside from the subpar state of my health, which is an inseparable mixture of physical fatigue, emotional stress, and a tenacious summer cold, I'm able to reflect a bit on this new season we're in. The silent and unprompted tears have started falling without warning throughout the morning. This is something that has only happened in my life a few times. No immediate stimulus, nothing going through my head, just quiet tears and a heart that is blessed with the answered prayers of 18 years and the heartache of the answered prayers of 18 years. Having two precious daughters to comfort me in a moment of pouring out my heart, quietly, is yet another blessing from God. Change involves pain sometimes and it doesn't mean it is the wrong thing. It is often very much the right thing which is happening. 

Releasing a child to the world of adulthood not only ends the daily coming in and knowing they are at the desk right by the front door, usually opening it for you with a friendly, "Hello Momma", but it ends the regular interactions. The few minutes each day to touch, talk, help each other, impact one other steadily...it ends. Suddenly and with plenty of warning, the happy and hard times of motherhood screech to a halt. 

There is no greater joy than to know my children walk with the Lord Almighty. The goal has been met, to raise them all in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Despite family members who disagreed with our homeschooling, or who thought we were in a religious cult because we shunned Catholicism and worldly ideas of "I trust God but I never go to a Bible preaching and teaching church.... and I refuse to obey what God clearly states because I'd rather do what I say is right rather than Him", we charted our course and stuck to it. I'm so grateful for my now living-in-glory mother-in-law. She was a pearl of great price in my life and the family member who supported our decision to homeschool from the very beginning (there was also a sweet lady from our church who was very encouraging but I forget her name). I can never relate to a bad mother-in-law. Those jokes fall flat upon my ears, as mine was a best friend, a tireless cheerleader, lover of my children, and person I could really talk to. She gave motherly advice and took the counsel of a more mature Christian who was younger than her. God allowed me to pray with her for salvation, to be assured of her future with Him. That early encouragement showed me that most mothers do not need much, they don't need a host of encouragers to succeed--they just need one person to tell them it is a good idea and they can do it. 

So here I am. The wife of a wise, godly, full-of-integrity man who not only taught our kids math, but has been the force behind our Academy for 18 years. Guiding, pushing, setting high standards, cheerleading no matter how tired he was.....he taught me to sacrifice what I wanted because it was best for our kids, to not have what was current with technology or style because our kids would push the boundaries further, to say no to what was lesser so we could say yes to what was greater. And while there are always people who give us a hard time because we don't live at church long after the service is over, God knows the hours we spend serving Him. While we can't socialize non-stop and host people in our home weekend after weekend, God knows the hours we spend praying and talking and serving in the ways He's equipped us for. While we don't talk and talk without end, we read and work and serve in our way, and God is using that in the ways He has designed us for and which is bearing the fruit we believe is pleasing to Him. It is the best we can do.

I'm so thankful I didn't get too caught up in the endless debates over which writing curriculum was best or which method of homeschooling was best...Thomas Jefferson, Classical, Traditional, Charlotte Mason...the pride some moms feed by dying on that mountain is a colossal waste of time. Feeling you have to teach your kids every last jot and tittle rather than hire subjects out because you are convinced that is holy and the other is not...just avoid those sort of thoughts and small-minded people. Do the hard work of having high standards, live holy lives, be set apart, take the criticism of the lost and those in the church, and press on toward the goal God has set before you. Nothing is as fulfilling as living for excellence in a non-distracted way. 

So while you all have graduated with the same GPA, more than 30 dual-enrollment credits, no cavities, no tattoos, pure in body--which I praise and thank God for, the greatest joy to your mother's heart is that you love the One True God and are committed to serving Him. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 

That will get me through this next stage.

I love you all with my whole heart, and I trust my life has shown you that even when I've fallen short. No sacrifice made for your family will ever be too great, just make sure it is one that God is pleased with and isn't part of some arbitrary movement other woman are pushing. ;)

Forever your doting (and violently (?) passionate and committed) Mom

Wisdom in Relationships (Dating)

I've got a good friend whose son grew up alongside one of my daughters. At some point, I was lamenting to her mother that he's her only child left unmarried....and he is dating someone! To my friend, I had mentioned it would be nice to all get together, which wouldn't be easy since her son no longer lives in the area...he's in college and is a man taking charge of his life.

Wisely my friend simply said that she does not get involved with her kids dating lives. That really resonated with me since I've known this lady well for quite some time, and I know she's lived through some things. I've also been on the receiving end of people forming relationships with us solely because one of the children in the family had designs on one of my children. I didn't think my suggestion would be nearly as brazen, offensive or off-putting, but it is still on the same side of the coin.

My good friend has my respect. I took her advice to heart, and decided to steer clear of set ups in any form for my children. 

Prayer,  no games, and I'll continue to befriend people I like as friends for me--no strings attached.

Key to Well-Trained Young Children

In looking back at posts written here at ACL about motherhood, there is one where the value of work is listed as a critical component in raising children. Hard work and its value is tantamount with child rearing on the whole, but what about infants and young toddlers? Is hard work still the most important thing to instill? After a child training discussion with our own older children while on vacation recently, it came to my attention to share in writing what we lived and what we teach our kids. It is important for daughters and sons to understand child rearing, even though they will have different duties than their spouses. Being on the same page as parents means having the same foundational views on all the things.

It is the opinion of ACL that a set schedule is the most important thing for infants and young children. It won't cure all ills nor will it work exactly as hoped for every child, but it provides needed structure to clearly see areas that may need special attention. Chaos brings more chaos. Order can only help. It is in that spirit this post is dedicated to my children. 

A schedule is important for all people, but especially infants and children. There is a debate over what is nature vs. nurture in the behavior of children. Why are some babies difficult and others not so much? Why do some children sleep fine and others do not? Some of that is nature and some is nurture. Evidence abounds on the importance of sleep and how sleep begets sleep--put a toddler down for a nap and they will go to bed well typically. Waiting until they fall down from fatigue is not the answer, nor is waiting until they say they are tired. As the parent, understand the sleep needs of young children and put them down for a nap when they need to go down for a nap. There are charts to show how much sleep babies and children of all ages require. Strive to meet those goals. Be home so you 'can' meet those goals.

What about very young infants? A schedule is critical, not only for mom's milk supply, but also to help baby be content and confident their needs will be met timely and consistently. Do not make your baby cry before being fed or changed if possible. Remember the sacrifice of motherhood starts with the early days of parenting--your time and dreams are now to be focused on the needs of your baby. Be home, do the hard work of learning your baby's cues, master breastfeeding, and put your baby down to sleep on his/her own early on. 

A feed/wake/sleep cycle during the day is ideal to help stretch out feedings and encourage good sleep. Nurse your baby, wake them up by changing their diaper afterward, and then lay them in their crib to settle in for a nap. If they haven't awoken by the time 3 hrs has passed (since your last feeding BEGAN), get them up to nurse if you are in the first 6 wks of their birth date. To wake a sleepy newborn, take their clothes off, change their diaper, and if you have to use a damp washcloth to wipe them off and arouse them, do so. You have to nurse every 3 hrs (give or take) to build up your milk supply. After nursing, change their diaper and keep them up for a few minutes, then lay them down awake in their crib to go to sleep for their next nap. It is fun to nurse a baby to sleep, so you can do that from time to time, but do not let that be the rule. You will quickly find you need a break and if your baby is too insecure to sleep alone, you'll be hard pressed to get the work around the house done-- let alone a shower or just some time to go eat something substantial. Note--the first few weeks be sure to nap when you put your baby down for a nap. Losing the nighttime sleep that is required for a good milk supply means you have to sleep during the day!! If you don't sleep during the day, your milk supply will suffer and so will your mental state. The first 6 weeks post-partum are not a time to show off your skills of taking your baby everywhere you go. Babies do not need to go to the movies and surely you can miss out on that activity. You need to be home-a LOT. Fatigue hurts mom's milk supply; the body needs to recover after giving birth.

This cycle of nursing every 3 hrs goes on all through a 24 day. At night put your baby to bed at the same time, and get them up after 3 hrs. This is for the first 6 weeks. After this point, stick to the same routine, but if they sleep longer than 3 hrs, let them. They will wake up when they need to. Take note if you have too much milk and need to pump a little to relieve the pressure, but try not to pump a ton because then your supply will be too great for baby's nighttime needs. Ideally if you pump it will be when you have ample milk during the day.

This predictable routine communicates to an infant they can count on their needs being met when they have them. Babies are not small adults, nor are they little kids, they are infants. This may seem obvious, but many parents act like they are little adults and drag them all over hill and vale, failing to instill the security and consistency babies thrive on. This is also not the time to try and teach a baby not to be demanding. By consistently and regularly meeting their needs, you are instilling what they can learn at this age, which is that Mom will take care of their needs. You will learn what your baby's cries mean and if they are regularly fed, changed and have slept, it will not be difficult to make them wait a minute or two if they start yelling for something that isn't a critical need, but if you are willy nilly with routine and schedule, you'll respond to every whimper like it is urgent, teaching your baby that in order to get needs or wants met, they must demand them. The transitions between these stages happen before you know it. A very young newborn shouldn't have to cry for needs to be met. A 2 month old should be able to wait a minute or a two for you to come when they cry out for you. Note--early on it is more than OK to hold your baby if they cry for you--they need to know you are always there for them. The early weeks of this behavior pass quickly. The key is to have the right attitude and make choices rather than react. Keep your end-goals in mind and don't be a slave to crying--understand it and do the part you must do quickly and consistently (like nursing before they cry for it, but in the morning or after a nap with a baby that is over a month old, don't rush in as soon as you hear they are awake. Let them enjoy being awake and OK by themselves. When they cry out to say "come get me"--after they've cooed and 'played' for a few minutes, respond. You can say, "I'll be there in a minute." and make it a minute--not 10). You will see when your baby can hold off for you to come, but if you are nursing, do not play games with the feeding time. It isn't a scenario to use for lessons in self-control. Babies need to eat and they need to eat regularly, and they need to know you will take care of it when that time comes. Young children can handle being told to wait and sit patiently. There is a difference.

My suggestion is to stick to the feed/wake/sleep routine as closely as possible through the first 6 wks of life. It goes fast and is a sacrifice worth making. Your milk supply should be ample as long as you've been eating well and drinking plenty of water (remember soda and teas dehydrate), and your baby will be well on his/her way to sleeping well later on in life. 

A slight off shoot of sleeping routines is to have a routine of using the high chair long before your baby can eat solid food. The reclining high chairs are perfect when baby is awake during meals. We were given a really cool folding travel chair that sat on a normal kitchen chair which we used once the babies could sit up unassisted. As soon as solids are introduced, sitting in the chair alone and picking at Cheerios is a thrill and Mom/Dad are able to continue eating a meal together in peace. Before that time though, the skill of sitting alone needs to be taught. Remember, training your baby starts on day 1, not when they are walking about. Routine, consistency and predictability will help you all. If you aren't planning to feed your 5 yr old, don't feed your 2 yr old--teach them to feed themselves as early as possible. Having meals at routine times is important for adults so keep to that as closely as you can while working around your young infant's needs. Use the reclining high chair, swing or bouncy seat when they are tiny and awake during meals. 

After a few weeks, you can put your baby in a playpen while you quickly shower. Start to give them alone time for a few minutes looking at their mobile once they are staying awake for longer stretches. This will increase as they get older so you can do some housework or exercise, and they are learning to focus and be securely alone for up to 20 mins or so. Sit black and white books in front of them when they are very small and build up to primary colored books when they can see those. I don't recall the ages where these things change but you can find it a parenting book or online. 

Ideally you will be able to be home full time with your babies while your husband works to provide for you. God will give you ministry opportunities fitting for a full time mother, but be content to heed the calling He's given that is within your 4 walls first and foremost. You won't regret the benefits of nursing, especially once your infant is a few months old. It is much faster and cheaper to breastfeed, just practice being discreet and do the hard work of building up your milk supply in the first 6 to 8 weeks. The schedule you will get your baby used to will serve you well as the toddler years come. The sleep struggles you'll hear about won't be an issue in your home; your child won't have bags under their eyes and you and your husband will get plenty of alone time in the evenings. 

I know you will do great if the Lord plans for you to be parents when the time is right!

Love,

Mom

When Can A Breastfed Baby Sleep Through the Night?

A post to my beloved children- 

I might forget or might not be around when this information will be useful. Hopefully you will do plenty of reading before having children of your own! Learn from godly others who have gone before you so your journey is a little easier. There will be challenges enough without these fundamentals having to be a big mystery.

So, when can your breastfed baby sleep through the night?

Most babies can sleep through the night by 6 months--it is essentially once they have doubled their birth weight. In earlier days, it was the norm to teach a baby to sleep on their own letting them cry for a couple of nights. It is not an easy thing to do, but it benefits a child greatly to get sound sleep once their bodies are ready for it. Breastfed babies do need to eat more often than formula-fed babies, so make sure your child is growing well and that you are taking the time to ensure your baby is nursing enough during the day before cutting out nighttime feedings. A hectic daytime routine that isn't consistent tends to thwart breastfeeding efforts and can definitely aid in a baby needing to nurse more at night to get the calories they need. At 6 months solid foods should be introduced, so that will help your baby feel fuller longer. This goal to get baby to sleep all night is where scheduling helps build parenting confidence. Remember, there is a difference between keeping a baby alive and proactively parenting/training your child. A routine and knowledge help promote a more peaceful and decisive parenting environment, which will help a lot as your child grows, especially if homeschooling is in store. The longer you wait to teach your baby to sleep all night, the more difficult it will become. Don't be a reactionary parent, take the reigns early on, learn your baby and set him/her up for the greatest success as you carefully guide them into good habits. 

Love,

Mom

Tips for normal sleep for breastfed babies

https://lacted.org/iable-breastfeeding-education-handouts/normal-infant-sleep-breastfeeding/

Keys to establishing good sleep habits for all babies. Good sleeping as infants aids a child's development later on.

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/baby-sleep

More information on how to help babies establish healthy sleeping habits. 

https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/health-wellness-and-safety-resources/helping-hands/healthy-sleep-habits-for-infants-and-toddlers

Liberal Women Among the Most Unhappy in America

If I were to hazard a guess as to the most unhappy, stressed, and unfulfilled women in America, it is those women who have thwarted God's design for them. Mind you, some of these characterizations happen among women I wouldn't classify as 'liberal' overall, but they are in segments, which still leads to negative consequences.

Why do I write this? It isn't to be mean-spirited, it is with the hope someone will see themselves herein and realize there is another path to take. A road less traveled but which affords greater peace and contentment than the worldly one. At the bottom I've included links that support my view that women are less happy today than they have been prior to all of these liberal advances. My reasons for why this is the case are below. The articles give their reasons. 

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. Jn 16:33

With that, I give you my thoughts on liberated women. 

The Situation

Liberal women:

They are independent in spirit, often not giving credence to modesty in dress or demeanor. They do what they want, when they want. The latter is the main point which transcends the age of the liberal woman.

These women put career above family duties. The best of their time and energy is focused outside of the home.

Often, childbearing is not their number one desire, it is work and making as much money as possible. They have kids to check a box, but their heart is not nearly as close to home as it could be. This is not referring to if they work, but their priorities and ideological views. 

Liberal women commit sexual sin before marriage, so what would normally compel a man to marry has been taken off the table. He gets what is natural for him to want without any commitment. These women wrongly equate sex drives of men and women, denying God's design for men. They think it preposterous to recognize that it is natural and right for the sexual desire to be a part of why people should marry. These women think that marriage can, and often should, be delayed. (Evidence of this, particularly during this global pandemic, is  that they say it is acceptable to put off marriage until times and restrictions are better...The Bible warns about committing fornication, which is very likely to happen if marriage is delayed. Sexual sin is a BIG deal to God. It is deplorable how many so-called believers act like it would be better to just have sex and wait until a big wedding can be had)...God does not think that way at all. 

I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. Rev 3:15

God's ways bring blessings. 

It is easier for men not to lead and not take on the responsibility of a family if a woman is letting them get the milk for free, without buying the cow. Leading a family takes hard work and grit, and we've successfully hampered this drive in men as women have sent the message that they don't need or want that protection. The very women who really want to get married and have kids have helped usher in this cultural shift. God has put the responsibility to lead on a man's shoulders, and a woman cuts his legs out from under him if she enables him to shirk this duty. She must be willing to follow to encourage him.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Eph 5:22-24

We know, however, that liberal women reject God's order of a man leading his family while she willingly follows his lead. Women who are sickened at the thought of their husband having the role of making final decisions, and bearing the responsibility for those decisions, are liberal women. 

Often these women lie to create a caricature of what they want their life to be, and it is easy to catch them in these if they've failed to give their husband the script on a particular issue. God holds husbands/fathers responsible for how their family is managed, irrespective of people's opinion on it.

To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you. Gen 3:16

The Bible says that women want to rule over our husbands, and if we don't respect them, which financial disparities can cause, we will shift the safe dynamic God has outlined. It is much easier to maintain the dynamic God has given for the family if the wife is a keeper at home and if her husband provides. It is the world's wisdom which says the roles of men and women are interchangeable. This denies Creation and God's word, and we see it in the stressed, anxious lives of women who are trying to be the man of their house. Again, dual income families can function as God says, but it is more challenging and puts more stress on the wife, and thus, the family. Her important work requires her full time effort and time, so something must fall off the table if she is also trying to be the provider. (I do know women who prefer to not work but their husbands do not recognize the value they would be able to bring as full time homemakers unfortunately, and of course this is not referring to men who want to work and cannot. Hopefully people reading this realize this is directed to people choosing lifestyles that lock them in to a way of life that rejects God's word.)

Sadly, and with a warning I say this-- many of these women who hate the things of God will use His name to sound like they love Him. But the Bible is clear that if you love God, you will do what He commands. We are without excuse if we do not know what He commands. Everyone has a Bible or has access to one in America. 

For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. 1 Jn 5:3

For the record, supporting the killing of an unborn baby is not loving God, obeying God, or representative of God. Don't use His name like you belong to Him if you support abortion, which if you vote Democrat in America, you do. That is what politicization of issues does--one camp is against killing the unborn and one camp strives to expand abortion rights--every term. To pretend otherwise is just a deceiving of oneself. Christians need to stand for what God stands for, all the time.

These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:  A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,  An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,  A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren. 

Prov 6:16-19

After writing this I decided to search online for anything about unhappy women in America, which I had not done prior to writing.

Religious Conservatives Happiest Wives in America 2019

Here is what I found from this secular source:

Psychology Today 2011

Women's Happiness Scores VOX 2019

Parenting Beyond Elementary School

Something we've noticed as our kids have aged, is that many parents stop parenting in the teen years. They relegate themselves to loose over-seers, and as the kids reach 18, the influence the parents have is much less than it could be. Our youth pastor also realizes the importance of parents continuing to truly be involved, and parent up through all the high school years. Kids turn out better when Dad and Mom keep doing their job until their kids are grown. 

As with educating your children, have the end goal of your parenting in mind. Do you want your kids to have a strong connection to family? Then make home the heart of daily life, don't have them over other people's houses regularly. It always saddens me when a family farms their kids out to other homes on a weekly basis. The unraveling of the parental influence is apparent. There should be a comfort, safety, and nurturing of family time together, consistently. 

Eating dinner together, every night, is an important part of fostering the stability and security a home should bring children. The vast majority of these meals should be around the table where discussions can naturally happen. Take the time to ask questions and bounce thoughts around regarding culture, society, politics, problems...but laugh and just chat, too! Having a weekend tradition of something the family does on Friday or Saturday night is a great way to help kids ward off peer pressure and bad influences. You can include a friend or two to what the family is doing, but try to have several of these each month where it is just your core family. This way one weekend night is occupied with something important to do, which is helpful for a lot of kids, whether introverted or extroverted. It offers protection while capitalizing on needed time to rejuvenate together (like a mini-vacation).

Teaching kids to find satisfaction the family and home goes a long way to developing people who are secure, and who have their own identity. Within the home, kids are free to really become who they want to be, rather than imitate those they are around. This value has to start when children are still in elementary school. It can't be decided once they've already been allowed to go over so and so's house once or twice a week for years...then rebellion will likely set in. 

Why does any of this matter? It depends. If you are looking forward to your kids growing up and doing their own thing, with you as an afterthought, it might not. If you don't really care if your kids think about the world and life like you, it might not, and I realize not everyone cares about that. 

What I've been able to see, however, is what I want for my family as the years progress: grandparents who are very involved with their grandchildren, and thus, their adult children. There is a lot of time given by the grandparents to make this happen, since everyone knows younger families are busy. That said, a high value was placed on nurturing the core family relationships while the kids grew up, and then those adult children have also protected and valued that. It brings a beautiful closeness that I want to have with my grown children and their future children, Lord willing. 

Often we expect from people more than what we've earned, so to speak. I mentioned this in a post a few years ago, when people rather demand a higher place in your life than they've worked for...those who pour into us will in turn receive the best of our time and attention. It is human nature. Position alone does not get us what we long for, position demands without giving, or putting in the time. I want to avoid that dynamic with my grown children. 

Take time now to be close your kids, and during the teen years, when they want to pull away, draw close to them and show them how to be secure and happy with their family as the core relationship. They will value that later, and when you are older and fragile :), you'll appreciate it!