Missing Terri

I'm not sure why there are times I think of Terri and the pain of missing her swallows me up, but when I'm at places where I've got memories of being with her, it happens the most. I just wish she were still here. I can't believe she is gone and not coming back. How did she miss my oldest's birthday? She turned 16 and Terri would have been so excited and done special things. Now I will be celebrating Terri's daughter turning 16 and doing special things, only Terri won't be there. This is not how it was supposed to go. We were supposed to keep raising our girls together and talking about all the things to come, all the difficult changes, all the special milestones. We were supposed to toy with the idea of my oldest going on a cruise with them sometime. We were supposed to dream about her getting to move around and be near the coast, which I wanted for my own life but which she didn't for hers.

But then the darkness came.

I know I don't need her anymore because if I did, God wouldn't have allowed this, but it doesn't always feel that way.

Each day I have to work to focus on Jesus more than other people. I have to remember the Holy Spirit indwells me and is my Counselor. I have to keep working hard to find the proper emotional balance in friendships since I've spent my life getting in too deep. I've had the pain of letting go of a closest friend just a couple other times in this life, and this is the worst because we didn't drift apart. There weren't any indications that this was coming. I wasn't pulling back; she wasn't either. I didn't know she was leaving. And I'm not sure how long she knew she was leaving.

Who am I now that I'm about to turn 43 and my closest friend in this state committed suicide? I wish my life would not have been touched by this, but it is another scar in a life marred by so many, but which has been redeemed by Christ alone. He brings beauty from ashes. Great is His faithfulness. I need Him tonight to help me. I don't deal with darkness, but I know its power a little and I hate it.