February

For some reason, God has worked it so I lose those closest to me in February. Though it isn't limited to those closest; there are other deaths as well.

It is one thing to get to where you lose your parents. We crossed that bridge of misery 20 yrs ago when I was 22. A week later, that parent's mother also died, my grandmother. It was a hard year.

I won't list them all, but it has now come to where I've not only said goodbye to the generation of parents, grandparents, and a baby cousin, but now my closest friend in the area where I live. This is a different and terrible grief. A void is yet again present, and I guess yet again God is keeping me from getting too close to other women.

Sure, I have some wonderful and good friends here still, but the one who was doing some things with the same views as me is gone. We tried to live in the world but not be of it. No, we didn't do everything the same nor did I agree with all she did; that was sometimes a point of discussion...how to let go of our oldest slowly. It was getting harder for her; I was concerned at times.

But now there is no woman for me to talk to about what the boundaries are, decent movies for the kids, helping them grow in Christ...the practical side of parenting and the decisions we were starting to make. We saw a lot of these things the same, and that gets harder the older a body gets.

I know better days are ahead. I'm thankful my friend's suffering is over, but I miss her and that anguish feels overtaking at times. I can't believe she is gone. All the good times. All the times of having her over for tea or lunch. All the times of my oldest spending time with her family playing games, eating lunch or dinner, going out to dinner...talking of my oldest vacationing with them at some point, talking of college, retiring...planning...enduring the heartache of the kids growing up.

We were so close in recent years because she and I both gave to the relationship. I didn't do more giving and neither did she; it was balanced, and I've found that hard to come by.

Our girls are best friends, and there is a special tie with that.

And she is gone forever, suddenly, and we're all still here.

How do I say goodbye when she is already gone? I don't want to.