In looking back at posts written here at ACL about motherhood, there is one where the value of work is listed as a critical component in raising children. Hard work and its value is tantamount with child rearing on the whole, but what about infants and young toddlers? Is hard work still the most important thing to instill? After a child training discussion with our own older children while on vacation recently, it came to my attention to share in writing what we lived and what we teach our kids. It is important for daughters and sons to understand child rearing, even though they will have different duties than their spouses. Being on the same page as parents means having the same foundational views on all the things.
A schedule is important for all people, but especially infants and children. There is a debate over what is nature vs. nurture in the behavior of children. Why are some babies difficult and others not so much? Why do some children sleep fine and others do not? Some of that is nature and some is nurture. Evidence abounds on the importance of sleep and how sleep begets sleep--put a toddler down for a nap and they will go to bed well typically. Waiting until they fall down from fatigue is not the answer, nor is waiting until they say they are tired. As the parent, understand the sleep needs of young children and put them down for a nap when they need to go down for a nap. There are charts to show how much sleep babies and children of all ages require. Strive to meet those goals. Be home so you 'can' meet those goals.
What about very young infants? A schedule is critical, not only for mom's milk supply, but also to help baby be content and confident their needs will be met timely and consistently. Do not make your baby cry before being fed or changed if possible. Remember the sacrifice of motherhood starts with the early days of parenting--your time and dreams are now to be focused on the needs of your baby. Be home, do the hard work of learning your baby's cues, master breastfeeding, and put your baby down to sleep on his/her own early on.
A feed/wake/sleep cycle during the day is ideal to help stretch out feedings and encourage good sleep. Nurse your baby, wake them up by changing their diaper afterward, and then lay them in their crib to settle in for a nap. If they haven't awoken by the time 3 hrs has passed (since your last feeding BEGAN), get them up to nurse if you are in the first 6 wks of their birth date. To wake a sleepy newborn, take their clothes off, change their diaper, and if you have to use a damp washcloth to wipe them off and arouse them, do so. You have to nurse every 3 hrs (give or take) to build up your milk supply. After nursing, change their diaper and keep them up for a few minutes, then lay them down awake in their crib to go to sleep for their next nap. It is fun to nurse a baby to sleep, so you can do that from time to time, but do not let that be the rule. You will quickly find you need a break and if your baby is too insecure to sleep alone, you'll be hard pressed to get the work around the house done-- let alone a shower or just some time to go eat something substantial. Note--the first few weeks be sure to nap when you put your baby down for a nap. Losing the nighttime sleep that is required for a good milk supply means you have to sleep during the day!! If you don't sleep during the day, your milk supply will suffer and so will your mental state. The first 6 weeks post-partum are not a time to show off your skills of taking your baby everywhere you go. Babies do not need to go to the movies and surely you can miss out on that activity. You need to be home-a LOT. Fatigue hurts mom's milk supply; the body needs to recover after giving birth.
This cycle of nursing every 3 hrs goes on all through a 24 day. At night put your baby to bed at the same time, and get them up after 3 hrs. This is for the first 6 weeks. After this point, stick to the same routine, but if they sleep longer than 3 hrs, let them. They will wake up when they need to. Take note if you have too much milk and need to pump a little to relieve the pressure, but try not to pump a ton because then your supply will be too great for baby's nighttime needs. Ideally if you pump it will be when you have ample milk during the day.
This predictable routine communicates to an infant they can count on their needs being met when they have them. Babies are not small adults, nor are they little kids, they are infants. This may seem obvious, but many parents act like they are little adults and drag them all over hill and vale, failing to instill the security and consistency babies thrive on. This is also not the time to try and teach a baby not to be demanding. By consistently and regularly meeting their needs, you are instilling what they can learn at this age, which is that Mom will take care of their needs. You will learn what your baby's cries mean and if they are regularly fed, changed and have slept, it will not be difficult to make them wait a minute or two if they start yelling for something that isn't a critical need, but if you are willy nilly with routine and schedule, you'll respond to every whimper like it is urgent, teaching your baby that in order to get needs or wants met, they must demand them. The transitions between these stages happen before you know it. A very young newborn shouldn't have to cry for needs to be met. A 2 month old should be able to wait a minute or a two for you to come when they cry out for you. Note--early on it is more than OK to hold your baby if they cry for you--they need to know you are always there for them. The early weeks of this behavior pass quickly. The key is to have the right attitude and make choices rather than react. Keep your end-goals in mind and don't be a slave to crying--understand it and do the part you must do quickly and consistently (like nursing before they cry for it, but in the morning or after a nap with a baby that is over a month old, don't rush in as soon as you hear they are awake. Let them enjoy being awake and OK by themselves. When they cry out to say "come get me"--after they've cooed and 'played' for a few minutes, respond. You can say, "I'll be there in a minute." and make it a minute--not 10). You will see when your baby can hold off for you to come, but if you are nursing, do not play games with the feeding time. It isn't a scenario to use for lessons in self-control. Babies need to eat and they need to eat regularly, and they need to know you will take care of it when that time comes. Young children can handle being told to wait and sit patiently. There is a difference.
My suggestion is to stick to the feed/wake/sleep routine as closely as possible through the first 6 wks of life. It goes fast and is a sacrifice worth making. Your milk supply should be ample as long as you've been eating well and drinking plenty of water (remember soda and teas dehydrate), and your baby will be well on his/her way to sleeping well later on in life.
A slight off shoot of sleeping routines is to have a routine of using the high chair long before your baby can eat solid food. The reclining high chairs are perfect when baby is awake during meals. We were given a really cool folding travel chair that sat on a normal kitchen chair which we used once the babies could sit up unassisted. As soon as solids are introduced, sitting in the chair alone and picking at Cheerios is a thrill and Mom/Dad are able to continue eating a meal together in peace. Before that time though, the skill of sitting alone needs to be taught. Remember, training your baby starts on day 1, not when they are walking about. Routine, consistency and predictability will help you all. If you aren't planning to feed your 5 yr old, don't feed your 2 yr old--teach them to feed themselves as early as possible. Having meals at routine times is important for adults so keep to that as closely as you can while working around your young infant's needs. Use the reclining high chair, swing or bouncy seat when they are tiny and awake during meals.
After a few weeks, you can put your baby in a playpen while you quickly shower. Start to give them alone time for a few minutes looking at their mobile once they are staying awake for longer stretches. This will increase as they get older so you can do some housework or exercise, and they are learning to focus and be securely alone for up to 20 mins or so. Sit black and white books in front of them when they are very small and build up to primary colored books when they can see those. I don't recall the ages where these things change but you can find it a parenting book or online.
Ideally you will be able to be home full time with your babies while your husband works to provide for you. God will give you ministry opportunities fitting for a full time mother, but be content to heed the calling He's given that is within your 4 walls first and foremost. You won't regret the benefits of nursing, especially once your infant is a few months old. It is much faster and cheaper to breastfeed, just practice being discreet and do the hard work of building up your milk supply in the first 6 to 8 weeks. The schedule you will get your baby used to will serve you well as the toddler years come. The sleep struggles you'll hear about won't be an issue in your home; your child won't have bags under their eyes and you and your husband will get plenty of alone time in the evenings.
I know you will do great if the Lord plans for you to be parents when the time is right!
Love,
Mom
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