I love sitting in my family room with our sweet 10 month old puppy snoozing. It is not something I do alone often, but when it happens, like tonight, it is fun.
I've had something rolling about in my mind and am finally getting time to put my thoughts down. It is regarding dating, courtship, and how to learn to deal with the opposite sex.
Our church youth group is a perfect scenario for boys and girls to interact and learn how to 'be' around each other. There is serious study time with this group twice weekly, and about twice per month there is a large group activity. During these the kids all play games together, talk, eat, and hone their social skills in an appropriate, monitored environment. There isn't any need for dating in order for them to learn how to properly 'be' with each other. It is something I didn't appreciate for a long time; I hadn't really thought about the benefits of youth activities, but this is a major one and something I truly appreciate. It takes a lot of time and resources and our youth pastor puts his heart and soul in to these events as well as the solid teaching he provides.
In thinking about hearts, I've been reminded recently that the heartache that accompanies dating in the secular use of the word is completely unnecessary and avoidable. Why people buy in to the world's idea on getting your heart all wrapped up with someone of the opposite sex eludes me. Not only did I experience the downside of that notion, I've watched it for years in the secular sense and the "Christian" sense. I've seen how that closeness in dating is a distraction from what matters in the teen years and how it often leads to poor choices, and sometimes, serious consequences. But it doesn't have to be that way. Even if nothing physical happens, as in many "Christian" dating scenarios, the relationship goes beyond where it should on an emotional level and the fallout can take years to recover from. Something doesn't have to have been done wrong in order for a better route to be available. Something doesn't have to have been done wrong to realize how you did it wasn't ideal. Sadly, too many parents allow great permissiveness with teens in this area while not having a proportionate level of responsibility in place. This imbalance lends itself to the drama and emotional distress kids experience when they get their heart entwined with someone through dating.
Dating is a word that has many defining points, and for this discussion, I'll define it as a relationship between a man and woman that is exclusive and involves seeing one another often, regular communication, time alone together, and some measure of physical contact or closeness where it is the couple who decides the tone and pace of the relationship with little oversight from others. It is not meant to be long term but sometimes turns in to a long term situation or leads to marriage, but it is not entered in to for that reason.
I'm sure there are better definitions, such as what I'll find in a couple of books a friend of mine just loaned me. The contrast of courtship to dating, using my definition or any other, is that courtship is set up for the couple to get to know each other without the strong emotional tie that leaves one heartbroken if things don't work out. Ideally there will be more scenarios of disappointment rather than crazy lamenting if the courtship ends. This is because parents or mature friends have been involved in the courtship, helping the couple spend time together but not alone to the same degree as dating. This is not just to help with physical temptation, which the world likes to pretend doesn't exist, but also to help keep the emotions from getting too hot and heavy before the proper time. We all know passions come and go, and the high you get when first around someone you are interested in changes over time into something different if you actually stick with them, so learning about a person of the opposite sex without all the hormonal charge allows you to get to know them with your mind. As you go along any red flags that come up can be dealt with in a careful way that doesn't have a lot of collateral damage. Courtship is about marriage, God's design for the male/female relationship. It is done prayerfully and carefully, and it isn't distracting nor is it for kids who are not of marrying age.
As I tell my children all the time: you have your whole life to be grown up with grown up responsibilities. Right now relish in the time spent with family, for it will never be this way again--all of us under the same roof with loads of time to spend together. Don't awaken love before its time. When it is time, it will be great and you'll be able to do something about it, but for now, study hard, learn all you can about God, enjoy the family God has given you, and keep your eyes fixed on Christ. He will work out His will for your life. Don't presume anything by 'playing marriage'. For parents, do we know if God intends our kids to marry? Why pretend that we know they will and get their minds fixated on that when it is entirely possible He has other plans for their life? I don't want to make any of my kids feel that marriage is the only acceptable route for them to take in this life. This is another reason they need to focus on being educated and becoming contributing members of society. Equip them in all areas and keep asking God to guide them. Being close to family is a great way to learn how to be an adult with a family of ones' own.
For these reasons, I'm learning more about courtship and what we want to suggest to our kids when they are old enough to think about it. Not only my experience, but the experiences of those around me and what I see in the Bible have me more convinced than ever that dating is not the best option for people interested in marrying or who want to spend time with the opposite sex. God has given many venues to get to know people and have fun that have nothing to do with dating.
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