Teaching Children to Have Good Focus

(2/4/2024)

For My Children, 

This was originally published Jan 6, 2015 when you three were living here as kids, long before the college years began and homeschooling ended. At the end of this post it addresses those who aren't readers. I trust you all will still be readers in a few years should the Lord give you the need to read up on parenting. Start here if this blog is still going! ;)

I hope you glean some useful truths to help you enjoy happy days of parenting your own young children one day. Every day won't be your best or theirs, but loving them enough to gently do what is ideal for them will also be what is ideal for you. To God be the glory. Raising the next generation is an honor!

I love you,

Mom

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Just as we are each born with different predispositions toward certain sin, children can be born with predispositions to develop difficulties. Can we always thwart those troubles completely? Of course not, but we can work to optimize the environment our children grow in to help them reach their fullest potential. Too often parents do what they feel most comfortable with in parenting, yet they fail to study, research, or listen to the advice of others who have taken the time to do those things and who have older children. We can learn a lot from the generations before us, if we'll only take time to listen. With so many children being labeled as 'attention deficit', let's take a few minutes to look at habits that help children focus their attention and those which do not. It stands to reason that a child can only be helped, regardless of their predisposition, by embracing structured, thought-out ways to help their world not be chaotic. Please bear in mind these ideas should be used thoughtfully and at the right time. I breastfed by babies, which meant feeding throughout the night so my supply stayed strong--every night, until they were at a minimum of 6 months old. The standard I was taught was that baby had to double their birth weight before they could be taught to sleep through the night. This coincided with when my supply could handle the dip in feedings. Having baby close by when they are very small saves mom some sanity, so again, do what you can but have a plan. With my oldest she slept in her crib right away and I went in to her room to nurse her. With my second child, she was in our bed then next to our bed for months-I'd guess it was at least 4. Sadly, by the time number 3 came my memory left. I didn't put him in our bed, but think I  kept him next to it for a while-surely several months.

-Playpen time: when a child is in a safe, contained environment, their world is smaller and it allows them to focus on what is right before them. Starting this habit before they can sit up gets them used to the space and helps them see the toy they are with. A little gym that is above a baby lying on its back is perfect for 10-15 minutes of playpen time, morning and afternoon. When a child can sit up, stacking cups or blocks are perfect for them to focus their full attention on. A child will often learn to love the playpen time--it is their space and they can play uninterrupted, which that alone is a skill and a desire we can foster in our children. The amount of time in the playpen should gradually be increased up to 30 minutes which allows Mom to get a shower while the baby is safely entertaining herself. It is nice to have a space other than the crib; don't we all like to mix it up a little?

-No TV before age 2: when my children were small it was rather common knowledge that TV watching was not a good idea on very small children, at least in the circle I ran in (was this a virtual circle or my MOPS group?! I can't remember! ha!). TV is passive and the brain is not engaged as it is with listening to a story read by Mom, flipping through a book, playing with toys, or even listening to a book on tape. It is completely possible to not use the TV as a babysitter if you understand that TV watching does not help children with focusing skills in the long run. The speed and instant gratification of the screen should be held off until the brain matures (this would obviously include other screen time in today's world of handheld computers).

-Teaching a young infant to self-soothe: new parents can fall in to the trap of running like they are on fire to rescue their fussing infant, but careful attention should reveal different cries, which should lead to a different sense of urgency in the parent. Children are more secure when they learn that they are OK waiting for Mom or Dad to arrive when they have a need. This is referring to normal times to be awake. When babies sleep, they often go through cycles of waking and going back to sleep. A good medical book on sleep and children will explain these natural patterns and help new parents curb doing things to actually hinder quality sleep, which video monitors coupled with ignorance, promote. Crying out midway through a nap or nighttime sleep is natural and baby should be left alone to settle himself back to sleep. Interrupting this cycle with externals is not helpful. A decent pediatrician or basic book on sleep should arm a parent with information about how much daytime sleep a child needs at each stage of life, as well as nighttime sleep. Parenting practices should work to achieve those goals.

-Sleeping alone in ones own bed: all of my children loved to wake up and play alone in their crib. It not only helped me to get things done before the busy day began, but it gave them their time to have fun. A solid routine of feeding a baby, keeping them awake, then laying them down for a nap while awake-- in their own space-- helps children continually go to bed alone and stay asleep. This is what is healthiest for growth and development. We want to raise our children to be independent and confident, and sleep habits help this from very early on. They should feel secure in their life's routine to lay down alone and relax.

-Regular mealtimes in a high chair: the expectation that 'we sit during meals' should be obvious, yet we have all sadly witnessed children who are allowed to get up and down repeatedly from the table as soon as they can walk. They fuss, and so they are let down. We've just taught them how to 'ask to be excused' and it is certainly not how I was taught as a 40 year old woman. Teaching sign language is a great idea for babies; they can 'ask' for more food, tell you when they are finished, and 'ask to be excused'. We aren't raising animals, we're raising people, and small people deserve the opportunity to learn to be civilized from early on. Praying before eating, giving children the freedom to feed themselves, and having to at least taste what is set before them is very important. When introducing solids, I forget if you are supposed to nurse first then feed. It's been a long time and that is something I simply can't recall. I would guess that I nursed and they were still hungry, hence why solids were introduced. This was around 6 months of age for all of my children.

In closing, there will always be children who have difficulty focusing, just as there will always be the poor among us. Too often parents do what feels natural to them rather than taking the time to learn themselves or listen to sound advice, and then when things go poorly they convince themselves it just couldn't have gone any other way. Don't be one of those parents. Read time-tested materials, not the myriad of terrible parenting books on shelves today that tell you not to make your child eat if they refuse. If you aren't a reader, learn to identify where others' strengths lie and utilize their knowledge. Some people have spent a great deal of time formulating their parenting philosophies and practices, and have successfully enjoyed parenting and have raised admirable children. Pray to meet one of those people if you are struggling.

Originally posted Jan 6, 2015