Will I Ever Stop Missing the Past?

I decided to look up one of our former homes tonight to see if it was on the market; I just wanted to see what I could find. It is many hours and states from where we currently live, and just seeing the aerial photo stirred up feelings forgotten. I could make out the back porch, which was such a project to have built...the spot where the big pine was which we had removed...all the gorgeous stone garden beds, which no one who hasn't been there would recognize...and 'the back 40'...a thick berm of forest that all the homes had in common in the lower back portion of their yard. Suddenly I thought of Jakey and how happy he was running around that yard, killing mice and squirrels. Toby took care of the front yard, even producing a large rat outside by our front door one time. This area was heavily vegetated and apparently rats live in the wild, not just cities!

All of my babies were born in this particular town, and my sweet mother-in-law often visited for extended stays. It was a quiet time in my life, before the Internet was as big as it is now. Facebook didn't exist, nor did all the newer Internet social sites. I was active in a MOPS group and attended a breast-feeding support group a few times. Our church had a small school, and we were the only homeschooling-minded family in the entire congregation. I was also the only stay-at-home mom.

It sounds lonely, but it was such a busy time of having babies, gardening, learning to can what I'd grown, hanging laundry on the line that extended from my porch to a massive oak tree, and basking in the fullness of early parenting. God provided enough people for me to care about and for me to be cared for by.

When we left, my oldest had just turned 4 and my youngest was 2 months old. I was so young and had endless energy and determination! The world felt like a continual open opportunity to do new things, explore fresh places, and as though it would never run out of excitement or I the willingness to embark on a fresh journey. I loved change and welcomed the opportunities to meet new people and learn a new area. It was the beginning of my life in many ways.

Now, I am older. My kids are, too. I smell of Ben Gay from shoveling yesterday, and while part of me still loves adventure, after so many years where we are and the fuller understanding of how hard it is to make new, bosom friends, moving on no longer has the luster it used to have. Forming new relationships with doctors, dentists, the postman, the grocery store bagger...none of it feels fun and exciting any more. I don't want a new church or route to take to get to the shops. I've figured out the back roads where we live. We are home. It isn't the state either of us was raised in, and it isn't a short ride to see our families, but it is where we belong. It is what my kids know, and while I'm saddened to think of all that has happened over the last 9+ years and how it can't be redone, somehow it is alright.

If only young mothers could cherish the time in the way hindsight affords. It just isn't possible, else we'd never be able to do the hard work required to raise our kids~

Ann