Neglected Spouses

Something I've observed and have grown increasingly concerned about are older married couples who are not heading in the same direction. It seems that often after 25 years of marriage, give or take, people look at who they married and wish that person were different. Failing to observe that we often do not help our spouses cultivate qualities that would satisfy both them and us, the thought is for something new and fresh...someone else who has more excitement and vivacity perhaps! People will lay the blame in various places such as the fact they are unequally yoked, the husband has negative qualities he won't change, the wife isn't interested in listening/talking....it doesn't matter. The point is, all reasons can sound justified, but does that make any real difference?

The reality is that we marry people who bring things we need and want to the table, but who also bring what we do not want, but need. If we consume ourselves with careers, it can be easy to reach retirement and not really know the person we're bound to. We may not have much in common with them. This can be particularly dangerous if one spouse is retired and the other is not. 

Christians do not believe genders are interchangeable, so we must not act as if they are when it comes to this later-in-life dynamic. Women often identify more with the home and children, they often have numerous friends and hobbies. Men, however, get their worth and sense of meaning from their career as it provides for their wife and children. Who would seem to need help in navigating retirement more then? For wives who have chosen or had to go the career route, it does not mean things are just the same for them. While it is hard to identify with one thing more than another, we are called to help our husbands, bottom line. We are supposed to be keepers at home, so when the options exists, we ought to look closely at it.

Being a wife means self-sacrifice in a way that is different from a man. In the early years, both sexes sacrifice in very different ways (in a traditional Christian home setting). In the later years, this is also going to look different. Sometimes we need to give up what we want in order to be the helpmeet God has intended for us to be. 

I recall many years ago when visiting my friend whose mom was of Norwegian dissent. She was a gorgeous woman and her husband was a University President. I distinctly remember her saying how she worked to keep her mind sharp and interesting for her husband as they aged. 

Christian--whether you are a man or a woman, what do you need to cultivate in order to be appealing to your spouse? What needs to change? What do you need to give up in order to be there for your spouse in this new season? Do not be naïve and think neglecting your spouse is going to leave your hands clean. We are each responsible to tend our own garden, build up those we are bound to for life, and give up that which doesn't serve the team.