Saved email is one of those things that can help or haunt after someone dies.
It feels so 'current time' and can make me want to respond.
If only the person on the other end would receive it.
When I read, "I am here to listen and talk anytime,", I want to shout, "NO YOU AREN'T!"
Not anymore.
This particular email was from a year and 9 months ago.
We were so close.
I am different now.
I don't think she would feel good about how I've changed, but that is because it is hard to explain why this is better. No one can convince me that God hasn't been trying to teach me to not get too close to people. I think there are two reasons, well, there are more probably but these are two I'm sure of.
1. I need to go to God and fully trust Him alone rather than putting people first.
2. I can help those in need better if I've got proper boundaries set up.
I know I've been hurt a lot more than I should have been because of putting so much in to friendship and not receiving the same. My need level was too high and my heart was far too wrapped up. I need to be real with people and caring, but not expect us to be soul-mates. Life can be hard. We all make choices on how we spend our time and we prioritize the people in our lives differently.
It has been 3 months.
I miss my friend.
Expectations of Those in Ministry
It is Mother's Day and I could write about my Mom or my Mother-in-Law, or my step-mother, who is the only one living out of that esteemed list. Instead, however, I shall write about Mom's in ministry, specifically pastor's wives.
I wonder if anyone tells those who marry a pastor to be ready to share everything about their life with the rest of the world. Does this blushing bride, who is surely committed to serving her husband, realize the expectations that will be placed upon her gentle shoulders? Does she realize family time will be interrupted at all hours, that finances will be strained at times in order to help those in need, and that she alone will not be able to have her husband's undivided attention as other wives do?
Does anything prepare the wife of a young pastor for what will come when God blesses her with children? She may understand that much of the child-rearing will fall to her just like with any mom whose husband has a demanding job. She may be prepared to cook, clean and even homeschool, but has she been prepared for the expectations so many pastor's wives deal with? The scrutiny of her babes and the lack of understanding if they fail to be polite or well-dressed may surprise her, but surely this was in the contract of marriage, right? Is she ready for people to think that not only she, but her offspring, are perfect?
What of the people who sit back wanting to see the pastor's children fail in some way? People who are short-sighted and think that well behaved children don't sin, who want to see calamity come so they feel better about their children who are not as trained in a public setting...does anyone help the young pastor's wife prepare for this?
I wonder if anyone tells the sweet ladies called to serve alongside their servant husbands that one day, if God blesses them with children who find lifelong mates, that those mates will have expectations aplenty placed upon them, even before they actually join the family? If the pastor and his wife have a son, do they know that there is a chance their future daughter-in-law will not get to have the wedding she's always dreamed of, for example? Is this something that has been laid out, that she who marries the son of a pastor should be prepared to meet the needs of strangers when it comes to the most important celebration in her life (to date)?
How about the daughter of a pastor when it comes time for her to marry? Is there any legitimate excuse for her to not do what those in the church want when it comes to her wedding? How can she be so brazen as to think that only close family and friends should be at her wedding? I mean, doesn't everyone in a church love and feel close to everyone else? Aren't we above human emotion if we are part of the pastor's family? And don't we have endless resources? Aren't all pastor's children extroverts--comfortable in large crowds of people?
Don't we as the lay people in the church want to invite everyone to the most important events in our lives? A wedding, a death, a special birthday--nothing is off limits, right?
Or are we, the lay people in the church, privileged to enjoy a unique privacy? Is it not found in the Bible that our leaders, God's under-shepherds, are to sacrifice everything all the time while those being shepherded get to pick and choose??
One would think this is written somewhere by the petty attitudes of people in the church when it comes to the leadership and their personal lives.
It isn't ENOUGH that the pastor sacrifices continually for his flock.
It isn't enough his WIFE sacrifices and works her fingers to the bone for the benefit of the church.
It isn't even enough that their CHILDREN work and sacrifice and grow up having served more by age 18 than many of us do in a lifetime.
Those children's future spouses are also on the hook to be and do what the people in the church want, the way they want.
Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Luke 6:31
If you will welcome those just saved with any sort of background into your most special celebrations; if you will welcome any number of people to an event that is already costly; if you will welcome strangers; if you will have a dream and give it up because people you barely know or don't know want you to--then by all means, make demands of other people to do all of these things.
If you are not willing to do the aforementioned things, then perhaps consider focusing on how much the leaders in the church do for you, and let them have the same special opportunities in life that you've had. How about find a special way to welcome a new husband or wife in to your church that doesn't include you being easily offended? How about trying to understand that a young pastor's wife with a lot of little kids is going to have hard days, too? How about praying for those new to leadership and who are struggling to give up their privacy?
How we welcome those new to our fellowships, and how we treat the families of our pastors, can make lifelong impacts on them. Let us try to put others' needs first, no matter what their position in the church.
The pastor's wives and missionary wives I have known were prepared well by God for the job He's called them to, but I know that pain along the way could be averted if people treated them the same way they wish to be treated. I know that by and large many pastor's families pour into their church and do not receive the understanding they richly bestow, and this is not OK with me.
Just some thoughts on this Mother's Day.
I wonder if anyone tells those who marry a pastor to be ready to share everything about their life with the rest of the world. Does this blushing bride, who is surely committed to serving her husband, realize the expectations that will be placed upon her gentle shoulders? Does she realize family time will be interrupted at all hours, that finances will be strained at times in order to help those in need, and that she alone will not be able to have her husband's undivided attention as other wives do?
Does anything prepare the wife of a young pastor for what will come when God blesses her with children? She may understand that much of the child-rearing will fall to her just like with any mom whose husband has a demanding job. She may be prepared to cook, clean and even homeschool, but has she been prepared for the expectations so many pastor's wives deal with? The scrutiny of her babes and the lack of understanding if they fail to be polite or well-dressed may surprise her, but surely this was in the contract of marriage, right? Is she ready for people to think that not only she, but her offspring, are perfect?
What of the people who sit back wanting to see the pastor's children fail in some way? People who are short-sighted and think that well behaved children don't sin, who want to see calamity come so they feel better about their children who are not as trained in a public setting...does anyone help the young pastor's wife prepare for this?
I wonder if anyone tells the sweet ladies called to serve alongside their servant husbands that one day, if God blesses them with children who find lifelong mates, that those mates will have expectations aplenty placed upon them, even before they actually join the family? If the pastor and his wife have a son, do they know that there is a chance their future daughter-in-law will not get to have the wedding she's always dreamed of, for example? Is this something that has been laid out, that she who marries the son of a pastor should be prepared to meet the needs of strangers when it comes to the most important celebration in her life (to date)?
How about the daughter of a pastor when it comes time for her to marry? Is there any legitimate excuse for her to not do what those in the church want when it comes to her wedding? How can she be so brazen as to think that only close family and friends should be at her wedding? I mean, doesn't everyone in a church love and feel close to everyone else? Aren't we above human emotion if we are part of the pastor's family? And don't we have endless resources? Aren't all pastor's children extroverts--comfortable in large crowds of people?
Don't we as the lay people in the church want to invite everyone to the most important events in our lives? A wedding, a death, a special birthday--nothing is off limits, right?
Or are we, the lay people in the church, privileged to enjoy a unique privacy? Is it not found in the Bible that our leaders, God's under-shepherds, are to sacrifice everything all the time while those being shepherded get to pick and choose??
One would think this is written somewhere by the petty attitudes of people in the church when it comes to the leadership and their personal lives.
It isn't ENOUGH that the pastor sacrifices continually for his flock.
It isn't enough his WIFE sacrifices and works her fingers to the bone for the benefit of the church.
It isn't even enough that their CHILDREN work and sacrifice and grow up having served more by age 18 than many of us do in a lifetime.
Those children's future spouses are also on the hook to be and do what the people in the church want, the way they want.
Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Luke 6:31
If you will welcome those just saved with any sort of background into your most special celebrations; if you will welcome any number of people to an event that is already costly; if you will welcome strangers; if you will have a dream and give it up because people you barely know or don't know want you to--then by all means, make demands of other people to do all of these things.
If you are not willing to do the aforementioned things, then perhaps consider focusing on how much the leaders in the church do for you, and let them have the same special opportunities in life that you've had. How about find a special way to welcome a new husband or wife in to your church that doesn't include you being easily offended? How about trying to understand that a young pastor's wife with a lot of little kids is going to have hard days, too? How about praying for those new to leadership and who are struggling to give up their privacy?
How we welcome those new to our fellowships, and how we treat the families of our pastors, can make lifelong impacts on them. Let us try to put others' needs first, no matter what their position in the church.
The pastor's wives and missionary wives I have known were prepared well by God for the job He's called them to, but I know that pain along the way could be averted if people treated them the same way they wish to be treated. I know that by and large many pastor's families pour into their church and do not receive the understanding they richly bestow, and this is not OK with me.
Just some thoughts on this Mother's Day.
Missing Terri
I'm not sure why there are times I think of Terri and the pain of missing her swallows me up, but when I'm at places where I've got memories of being with her, it happens the most. I just wish she were still here. I can't believe she is gone and not coming back. How did she miss my oldest's birthday? She turned 16 and Terri would have been so excited and done special things. Now I will be celebrating Terri's daughter turning 16 and doing special things, only Terri won't be there. This is not how it was supposed to go. We were supposed to keep raising our girls together and talking about all the things to come, all the difficult changes, all the special milestones. We were supposed to toy with the idea of my oldest going on a cruise with them sometime. We were supposed to dream about her getting to move around and be near the coast, which I wanted for my own life but which she didn't for hers.
But then the darkness came.
I know I don't need her anymore because if I did, God wouldn't have allowed this, but it doesn't always feel that way.
Each day I have to work to focus on Jesus more than other people. I have to remember the Holy Spirit indwells me and is my Counselor. I have to keep working hard to find the proper emotional balance in friendships since I've spent my life getting in too deep. I've had the pain of letting go of a closest friend just a couple other times in this life, and this is the worst because we didn't drift apart. There weren't any indications that this was coming. I wasn't pulling back; she wasn't either. I didn't know she was leaving. And I'm not sure how long she knew she was leaving.
Who am I now that I'm about to turn 43 and my closest friend in this state committed suicide? I wish my life would not have been touched by this, but it is another scar in a life marred by so many, but which has been redeemed by Christ alone. He brings beauty from ashes. Great is His faithfulness. I need Him tonight to help me. I don't deal with darkness, but I know its power a little and I hate it.
But then the darkness came.
I know I don't need her anymore because if I did, God wouldn't have allowed this, but it doesn't always feel that way.
Each day I have to work to focus on Jesus more than other people. I have to remember the Holy Spirit indwells me and is my Counselor. I have to keep working hard to find the proper emotional balance in friendships since I've spent my life getting in too deep. I've had the pain of letting go of a closest friend just a couple other times in this life, and this is the worst because we didn't drift apart. There weren't any indications that this was coming. I wasn't pulling back; she wasn't either. I didn't know she was leaving. And I'm not sure how long she knew she was leaving.
Who am I now that I'm about to turn 43 and my closest friend in this state committed suicide? I wish my life would not have been touched by this, but it is another scar in a life marred by so many, but which has been redeemed by Christ alone. He brings beauty from ashes. Great is His faithfulness. I need Him tonight to help me. I don't deal with darkness, but I know its power a little and I hate it.
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