Years ago the phrase, "We're so busy!" was my nemesis. It became hackneyed beyond the pale to hear people exclaim, with exasperation but also a subtle pride, that their life was far more 'full' than everyone else and therefore they couldn't be relied on to respond to emails in a timely fashion, be on time, or be available to get together...you get the idea. They deserved special acceptance for why they were unreliable or always in a near panic.
Fast forward 6 years and the culture has clearly adopted the belief that being flexible is a virtue. 'Don't worry about keeping the date set because I'm happy to change it. My willingness to give you alternatives to the time you've already set aside in your schedule shows that I'm flexible (and therefore, good). If you aren't willing to work around my new need, you are not as virtuous as someone who is.'
Never-mind the chaos this brings to a schedule. Far too many live in chaos all the time so they can't even recognize it.
The problem with this notion is that once you allow it as part of your normal, it takes up residence. If people think they can make changes to your schedule regularly, they will.
I counter with the reality that too much flexibility breeds chaos and the life lived is lived less well.
If you are the one setting the schedule and need to make a change, canceling should be just as valid an option as offering an alternative time. Be it for a lesson you are offering or a class you are teaching in the home as a homeschool mom. It shouldn't be presented as you being wonderful for offering other times when you are the one cancelling. Be wonderful by accepting responsibility that you are going to miss out on having class that day or will make less money and be inconvenienced because you've decided, for whatever reason, to make a change. 'You've decided"--you aren't a victim, even if something else has caused you to have to cancel...when you are the person directly in front of someone else being impacted, it is now on you. Don't expect, subtly or overtly, others to work around you. Life IS busy and we all have full schedules. Some of us are managing many other people, as in a household, or for kids in school, they have a lot of responsibilities they are trying to manage. Making changes to routine appointments always adds an element of chaos and change that must be communicated to everyone, so expecting people to see that dynamic as equivalent to the routine is presumptuous and insensitive, and in certain cases, unprofessional.
It is generally people who don't see the value in down time, or who are incapable of having a set schedule, who are most willing to be flexible. Those who have full schedules, which also include down time that they've worked in to their day/week, are seen as inflexible and therefore, rigid. Too rigid. It is implied that those who stick to a plan are less accommodating, because of course they ARE to those who want to change things up at will. Sticking to a schedule to benefit your family or self, however, is accommodating. To your family or to yourself. It isn't wicked to know your own limits or those of your family and strive to stick to them as much as you can. How often do we tell our child to 'know thyself' and be wise?
Should we go out of our way to accommodate others sometimes, if we can? Of course, but it shouldn't be asked of us in an expected way that often. This is a good thing to teach our children, for we all know they will have to work to not have their days and nights filled continually, unable to plan for down time if they give that freedom over to those around them. Other people will find a way to fill all of their time or make it so they are often shifting things around because sadly, many many people in our culture cannot live by self-imposed restrictions. They require externals to bring them any measure of order.
Know thyself and know others, and deal circumspectly with both.
Choosing Peace
I recall hearing, when I was a much younger woman, older women stating how they would not want to go back and relive their younger years. I couldn't really comprehend why that would be. Youth seemed to be the *best* there was. My body was tone, my weight ideal, hair silky and long, expression full of zest...and confidence wasn't lacking either!
This was what my 20's were characterized by, with an unhealthy dose of chaos.
Chaos, my husband told me, that I often sought out and thrived on. It was one of many observations he'd make, that in time I'd come to agree with. In time.
A characteristic of human behavior is that oftentimes when something we do is pointed out to us as a negative, rather than seriously consider the truth that could be there, we will start working to disprove what the other person has observed. We'll consciously or unconsciously work to 'show' them we really do have a problem or we really don't choose to make life harder.
For this reason, as I've aged, I've stopped giving unsolicited advice a lot of the time, which is also something I've learned from my husband. There is a time and a place, and it is rarely the time to offer an opposing opinion not sought out. People do what they want to do and what they've determined in their mind needs to happen. Whether it does or doesn't is moot in a mind made up.
Back to chaos.
Chaotic living is often a learned behavior. Women, particularly young women, seem to find it preferable to jump from one thing to another, avoiding the consistency that brings peace and steadfastness. They think there is more virtue in big productions, multi-tasking or tackling numerous projects--all of which 'give them permission' to be scatter-brained, forgetful, or late. Young women who are like this and do not learn to see this pattern and correct it, will carry it into their marriage, and if they don't marry a steady man who sees this AND can help them change, their life will be hectic for the duration. Their children will in turn learn that life is unpredictable, wild, unplanned and unscheduled. It is a generational problem that breeds ineffectual living in many ways.
Chaos.
There are enough aspects of life that truly are out of our control, so why create scenarios that add more chaos than is needed? It is like holiday promotions in stores. Thanksgiving hasn't happened yet Christmas items are out, and before New Years Eve has passed, we're thinking of Valentine's Day...this is what you can make your life into. Finish one 'project' and jump right into another one with a sense of urgency that is unwarranted.
I resist this sort of living. It is not always easy. People do not understand. People who don't want to be home or can't sit still do not comprehend the need to have open time in one's schedule. People who get their self worth from relationships with other people feel something is missing if they have too much time alone, which can be translated as 'any time alone'.
I want to live intentionally, and I want my children to live intentionally. I want my value and their value to come from serving the Lord through a quiet life conformed to the image of Jesus. I don't want that to mean living in the limelight, for me or them. I don't want it to mean showing their talents to the world at every opportunity, or having to be with other people for a sense of fulfillment. I don't see those characteristics in the Bible as virtues.
Social media lends itself largely to living in chaos, living unfulfilled, wasting time on fruitless ventures that give a false sense of importance. I want God to give us opportunities to serve Him meaningfully and in ways that have time for contemplation, staying the course He's set for us, and finishing what we've started well.
This was what my 20's were characterized by, with an unhealthy dose of chaos.
Chaos, my husband told me, that I often sought out and thrived on. It was one of many observations he'd make, that in time I'd come to agree with. In time.
A characteristic of human behavior is that oftentimes when something we do is pointed out to us as a negative, rather than seriously consider the truth that could be there, we will start working to disprove what the other person has observed. We'll consciously or unconsciously work to 'show' them we really do have a problem or we really don't choose to make life harder.
For this reason, as I've aged, I've stopped giving unsolicited advice a lot of the time, which is also something I've learned from my husband. There is a time and a place, and it is rarely the time to offer an opposing opinion not sought out. People do what they want to do and what they've determined in their mind needs to happen. Whether it does or doesn't is moot in a mind made up.
Back to chaos.
Chaotic living is often a learned behavior. Women, particularly young women, seem to find it preferable to jump from one thing to another, avoiding the consistency that brings peace and steadfastness. They think there is more virtue in big productions, multi-tasking or tackling numerous projects--all of which 'give them permission' to be scatter-brained, forgetful, or late. Young women who are like this and do not learn to see this pattern and correct it, will carry it into their marriage, and if they don't marry a steady man who sees this AND can help them change, their life will be hectic for the duration. Their children will in turn learn that life is unpredictable, wild, unplanned and unscheduled. It is a generational problem that breeds ineffectual living in many ways.
Chaos.
There are enough aspects of life that truly are out of our control, so why create scenarios that add more chaos than is needed? It is like holiday promotions in stores. Thanksgiving hasn't happened yet Christmas items are out, and before New Years Eve has passed, we're thinking of Valentine's Day...this is what you can make your life into. Finish one 'project' and jump right into another one with a sense of urgency that is unwarranted.
I resist this sort of living. It is not always easy. People do not understand. People who don't want to be home or can't sit still do not comprehend the need to have open time in one's schedule. People who get their self worth from relationships with other people feel something is missing if they have too much time alone, which can be translated as 'any time alone'.
I want to live intentionally, and I want my children to live intentionally. I want my value and their value to come from serving the Lord through a quiet life conformed to the image of Jesus. I don't want that to mean living in the limelight, for me or them. I don't want it to mean showing their talents to the world at every opportunity, or having to be with other people for a sense of fulfillment. I don't see those characteristics in the Bible as virtues.
Social media lends itself largely to living in chaos, living unfulfilled, wasting time on fruitless ventures that give a false sense of importance. I want God to give us opportunities to serve Him meaningfully and in ways that have time for contemplation, staying the course He's set for us, and finishing what we've started well.
The Memorial Service
I love this picture of Terri and our kids. She was watching them while the Mister and I were away celebrating our anniversary. She was so much fun and gave herself to relationships. It is why we got so close. She let me in, and she did things to demonstrate her interest in our lives. I could never be as resourceful as her, nor as creative. Her energy was so high.
The service today was beautiful. A clear gospel presentation, albeit a little strong with demeanor and abrupt in some regards. I'm so glad all the friends could sit together.
It is so difficult to accept that this person full of life is gone forever, and the ending was so terrible. I miss our talks and thinking about the future together, but it was hard for her and getting harder. All of the uncertainty...
Prayers for her family left behind...
Comparing Classical Curriculum Routes for Middle and High School
Mapping out how to tackle middle and high school can be tricky, so it is better to start looking as your student gets higher in elementary school than to wait until they are a rising 9th grader. Realize the math/science connection as kids reach high school, and what the standards are in general. I've linked to some classical schools to help give some perspective, as well as governor's school. We also found that in public schools kids sometimes take Algebra I as early as 7th grade if they are advanced and heading in to a specialty field like engineering or medicine.
Here are a few links to get things started-
Always compare what you are told by someone against other standards, particularly if all of your education is from those with a vested interest in your decision. For example, if a program is supposedly advanced, does that really hold water when you look at standards of other schools. If a program is supposed to be classical, do your own reading and see if it really is classical. Often what a program says they do doesn't actually happen.
No matter how hard we try, the way we were educated and what we received as an education often colors our perspective. I'll never forget talking to a leader in a classical education co-op who talked of Algebra II as higher math. Phew--that was a shock. This isn't meant to be a pointless criticism, the point is, know your audience in a discussion.
Bear in mind that what is usually listed for college entrance is the minimum, and some programs are competitive. Students who are set on a career that requires college should be aggressive in standing out above the crowd. If two years of a foreign language is the minimum, shoot for four. It is a good use of the elective spot.
To see some curriculum standards, check out Providence Classical Christian School of Williamsburg, VA, look at Governor's Schools' standards, or HSLDA's college entrance information. For online options, see what The Potters School is doing or Veritas Press Scholars Academy.
As the old adage says: if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Just because someone tells you something about a program doesn't make it true, and it could cost your student extra years in Community College taking classes they should have taken/could have taken in high school. We can't redo these years of homeschooling. May God help us all make wise decisions, particularly here where the help is needed.
~Ann
Here are a few links to get things started-
Always compare what you are told by someone against other standards, particularly if all of your education is from those with a vested interest in your decision. For example, if a program is supposedly advanced, does that really hold water when you look at standards of other schools. If a program is supposed to be classical, do your own reading and see if it really is classical. Often what a program says they do doesn't actually happen.
No matter how hard we try, the way we were educated and what we received as an education often colors our perspective. I'll never forget talking to a leader in a classical education co-op who talked of Algebra II as higher math. Phew--that was a shock. This isn't meant to be a pointless criticism, the point is, know your audience in a discussion.
Bear in mind that what is usually listed for college entrance is the minimum, and some programs are competitive. Students who are set on a career that requires college should be aggressive in standing out above the crowd. If two years of a foreign language is the minimum, shoot for four. It is a good use of the elective spot.
To see some curriculum standards, check out Providence Classical Christian School of Williamsburg, VA, look at Governor's Schools' standards, or HSLDA's college entrance information. For online options, see what The Potters School is doing or Veritas Press Scholars Academy.
As the old adage says: if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Just because someone tells you something about a program doesn't make it true, and it could cost your student extra years in Community College taking classes they should have taken/could have taken in high school. We can't redo these years of homeschooling. May God help us all make wise decisions, particularly here where the help is needed.
~Ann
Day 6
Dear Terri,
I know this is not a note you'll actually see, but I wanted to tell you what has been going on. If you were here, I'd definitely be talking to you a lot.
Things have been really hard since you died. We're all struggling, trying to understand, questioning ourselves and all sorts of things. But you'd be really happy to see how we're all also trying to comfort one another.
I can hear your voice saying, "Jen, Jen, it will be all right." in that big sister sort of way you'd say things to me.
I want to tell you not to go, not to give up.
Remember how sometimes we'd talk about growing old and the girls growing up? You're going to miss all of that and I'm just devastated.
I know you loved me and that we shared something special. But I'm also seeing that you talked to everyone about so many of the same things, and it is making me sad to see you just weren't fulfilled; it seems like it was never enough to really make you be at peace. I just don't understand why you weren't secure in all of the amazing abilities you had and all the friends you had. I don't understand why the darkness swallowed you up and that you are gone now.
I'm trying to comfort our friends. I've even gotten to comfort people who knew you earlier but lost touch. I am not sure what you would say to see me holding someone sobbing that you are gone. It is so tragic, especially when they know I'm hurting more...
But that is what we do. That is what you would do, too.
We got together last night, for the first time. I started to text you to invite you. All I can do is cry out to God and ask for His help.
Last night I could be so confident in God's sovereignty. Jeff and the girls gave me Bible verses to share and everyone got one to read. Donna and I prayed aloud for us all.
We're all hurting so much, Terri. I believe God's timing is right. I believe He called you home. I believe there aren't mistakes. But I just want to know why I couldn't stop you. I want to know why none of us could. I want to tell you don't go. It's going to get better.
But it is too late. And you wouldn't have listened. And I have to believe that. We all do.
I didn't cry a lot yesterday. Sunday's sermon was so good and helped me a lot. Then the little memorial service where you died was a blessing to me to see how nice of a place it was.
I'm going to try to talk to Donna now.
I love you,
I know this is not a note you'll actually see, but I wanted to tell you what has been going on. If you were here, I'd definitely be talking to you a lot.
Things have been really hard since you died. We're all struggling, trying to understand, questioning ourselves and all sorts of things. But you'd be really happy to see how we're all also trying to comfort one another.
I can hear your voice saying, "Jen, Jen, it will be all right." in that big sister sort of way you'd say things to me.
I want to tell you not to go, not to give up.
Remember how sometimes we'd talk about growing old and the girls growing up? You're going to miss all of that and I'm just devastated.
I know you loved me and that we shared something special. But I'm also seeing that you talked to everyone about so many of the same things, and it is making me sad to see you just weren't fulfilled; it seems like it was never enough to really make you be at peace. I just don't understand why you weren't secure in all of the amazing abilities you had and all the friends you had. I don't understand why the darkness swallowed you up and that you are gone now.
I'm trying to comfort our friends. I've even gotten to comfort people who knew you earlier but lost touch. I am not sure what you would say to see me holding someone sobbing that you are gone. It is so tragic, especially when they know I'm hurting more...
But that is what we do. That is what you would do, too.
We got together last night, for the first time. I started to text you to invite you. All I can do is cry out to God and ask for His help.
Last night I could be so confident in God's sovereignty. Jeff and the girls gave me Bible verses to share and everyone got one to read. Donna and I prayed aloud for us all.
We're all hurting so much, Terri. I believe God's timing is right. I believe He called you home. I believe there aren't mistakes. But I just want to know why I couldn't stop you. I want to know why none of us could. I want to tell you don't go. It's going to get better.
But it is too late. And you wouldn't have listened. And I have to believe that. We all do.
I didn't cry a lot yesterday. Sunday's sermon was so good and helped me a lot. Then the little memorial service where you died was a blessing to me to see how nice of a place it was.
I'm going to try to talk to Donna now.
I love you,
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