Dear M. B. :)
You know I've been enjoying sending letters and such through our good old US Post Office, however, I'm mixing it up and sending a letter via my blog. It seemed more fun than just a regular email. Plus, I've not updated my blog in ages. Just hasn't been a priority given the limited time I get on the computer. It is funny, the less I'm on the computer, the less I miss it :).
Anyway, we just adored the pictures the boys drew and sent in your last note! It is so precious to see their work, and you are so creative using that graph paper. What a cool Mom!
I've been thinking lately how some people say there is not a manual on how to raise kids, so they just wing it. I've never liked that statement because there is a ton of good information on how to raise children out there. In cleaning out (which you know I've been working on), I came across materials from 4 different parenting courses we took. Not all were joint, but I think 3 were actually. We have God's word, which of course is the best manual out there and really all we need.
That said, what has occurred to me recently is that there is NOT a manual or even any notice given when our kids will suddenly be done with something they once treasured. There isn't any notice given when, "Hey, do you guys want to head to the park?!" is never to be uttered again. When children are small, it seems that the park days will never end--free and fun--they fill so much time when school work is able to be easily pushed aside.
I don't know that I wish I'd realized the last time we went to the park would be 'the' last time, or when D snuggled 'Cutey Pie Honey Pie Bunny' one night it would not be repeated ever again...or that last time I saw my girls playing Barbies would be 'it'. But I also don't know that I wouldn't have wanted to know. The reality is, so very many things we did together or which they did together are pages in closed chapters.
We have spent so much time together as a family: educating, cleaning, cooking, training...it is such a busy time, rearing obedient children who you are also discipling to love their Maker. I don't think I was ever good at playing, unless we were outside. I was more of a facilitator of the fun, and enjoyed watching them live and grow together. While I don't want to go back and do it all over, I sure do miss those days, if that makes sense.
We've recently had a tough experience with our orthodontist, who we carefully chose, making a mistake and permanently damaging one of our oldest's teeth. Her dental plan was complex because of missing a front permanent tooth and having a peg lateral, so we went with this doctor because his plan meant not having something to deal with for the rest of her life, like a crown or a fake tooth (implant). Now we've still got to deal with something, praying it will desensitize so a life-long issue isn't going to have to occur. It has revealed a weakness in me that has been hard to take. I'm seeing that the personality trait which dealt with crossing all the t's and dotting all the i's as my kids grew, is one that comes off the rails when someone's carelessness damages my kids. It is a control issue on the surface, but a lack of trusting in God's sovereignty. I worked so hard to be as perfect as possible when my kids were growing--to create the exact upbringing we believed in, and now that the kids are older, and HAVE to experience life for themselves, I HAVE to learn to let failure impact them. Not just their own, which has been easier, but man, the mistakes of others harming them in ways that can't be remedied, or them making decisions that cause hard consequences....basically when life takes a course that I can't fix for them, I struggle.
And yet today there was a funeral for a 9 yr old at church who suddenly came down with cancer, and his family knew he could not survive it based on what it was. And they will have to keep on going. They have other children to raise, small children. We just learned they live in our neighborhood...the diagnosis was not even a year ago.
Just seeing our weakness and knowing that God has given us an area to grow through doesn't make it happen immediately, ya know?
I'm just sharing with you because you are so devoted to your kids, and their growth, and education...and your family. I know you desire excellence.
I never knew how hard the letting go would be, nor how much my 'faith' was wrapped up in success or goals successfully carried out. I admit that even as a Bible believing Christian, I don't know how well I'd do if I were in the situation of this dear family who has said goodbye all too soon. I'd hope that peace that passes all understanding would take passionate hold...
On a happier note, the older people our kids grow in to are so enjoyable. One reason I wouldn't want to go back is because I wouldn't have them here now, and I love and like them.
It is just an interesting phase of life to be in our 40's, unable to tell how old anyone is anymore that is over 16 yrs of age, pushing Jeff's arm out farther away from me when he holds the hymnal b/c I'm obviously adding some farsightedness to my nearsightedness, talking to our oldest about driving and preparing to celebrate our youngest's 11th birthday. Birth, nursing, diapers, car seats, Thomas the Train, Princesses, gliders with footrests, even having a normal monthly cycle are all things of the past that seemed like they'd be around forever. And they are gone, without much notice or with none.
Cherish those sweet boys. Hug their smallness tightly and enjoy bathing them and letting them sleep in your bed. Before long they'll be too big, or they'll not feel comfortable doing so because they are young men...parenting is the greatest blessing, full of the richness and fullness of life, but each phase fools us in thinking it will last longer than it does.
Thank you again for the pictures and the sweet memories they stirred up.
Much love,
