How Not to Get A Christian Girlfriend

It's an interesting time in the Christian dating world. The past couple of years I've gotten to see how times have changed. When I was younger, it seemed young men and young women became good friends over the course of many months. They served together, worked together, or at the very least attended church together. They were in the same groups or organizations, and within those settings, got to really know each other. They sought each other out beyond necessity. A serious letter or some talking happened, and a couple headed toward marriage was formed. This is my story and that of several friends who readily come to mind. It seemed like everyone understood that respect is shown by slow and steady friendship. 

Let's contrast that with today, shall we?

1. A guy barely knows a girl and asks her out. 

Seeing someone a few times doesn't make you friends. And merely being around someone does not move things in any direction if no conversation has happened. You can't like or dislike someone you don't know, and few girls will go out with a guy to 'get to know him.' I don't know of any young ladies or their parents who will go for this clearly self-absorbed approach. Young men who do this have failed at rightly evaluating what presence they bring and who their audience is. I suspect they've not had good guidance from their parents and have possibly been wrongly puffed up by said parents, probably a doting mother. These guys may as well say,  "I think you are pretty, I'm excellent, and I want a wife. Please go out with me."

2. Becoming friends and telling the girl that you'd like to continue the friendship to see where it leads, indicating you are possibly romantically interested. (or think you could be interested should things continue on the trajectory you feel is in play)

Are these guys trying to put said female on retainer? Sadly this method results in the friendship ending abruptly and/or the girl feeling very awkward. These young men are either jumping the gun or not saying what they should just come out and say. Ask her out or just keep the friendship going till you are much surer of where she is AND where you are. This strange thing of putting it 'out there' before it is time just shuts down the chance of the relationship growing into something beyond friendship. 

If you are a young man or a young woman and you think you'd like to date someone, make sure and talk about serious topics when you are together!! That's going to help both people very clearly see if they are walking the same direction. I'm not sure why so many Christian guys are using this technique of saying "I'm enjoying our time together and would like to go somewhere more possibly. Just want you to know." Can they not tell if a girl likes them more than a friend after months of interaction? Again, talk about what matters in life, controversial issues in the church and of the day, and hop over to her church sometime. My hunch is these weird declarations will come to a halt and everyone's cards will be on the table if more intentional conversations happen when studying together one on one, having a meal together, or working on a group project. 

3. Stranger asking a girl out. 

Is this secular culture 1980?? 

"You are gorgeous. I've spent no time investing in getting to know you, but I'm so awesome I want you to go out with me." In some moments that might sound romantic to a certain sort of female, but a chaste Christian girl who has parents watching over her will never go for this. See point 1 also. 

*******

I recall my husband as a single young man. He was so serious about the Lord. He was very clean and well groomed with his hair and face. He lifted weights and was strong. He served in our church, dressed nicely but wasn't overly fashionable. He certainly wasn't wasting money on a designer wardrobe or car. He was well educated, gifted intellectually, was stable, a leader, full of integrity, and an exceptional listener. This was all known by me firsthand because we were friends who talked extensively for a year and a half. We met with our pastor and discussed starting a courtship of sorts, knowing we weren't playing around, we were thinking marriage. We dated for 8 months, got engaged, and 5 months later got married. The year and a half of friendship was the time that seems to be skipped these days. It doesn't have to be that length of time, but we knew each other very well. We talked of starting a dating relationship and wrote letters weighing the pros and cons. The relationship could hold that action on its foundation. Two serious adults who had invested a lot of time and energy into a friendship.... not just looking at each other, not just doing schoolwork together, not loosely socializing. We went to the same university and more importantly, were involved at the same church. He became one of my closest friends and never made me feel rushed. Twenty-five years of marriage later, he is my best friend in the whole world and my respect for him has only grown. He is a man among men. 

I do not know why guys today can't seem to have patience, wisdom, or staying power. It is as if their parents have not pointed out time and again that they need to be worth marrying before they try to woo someone's well-cared for, carefully trained, and nurtured daughter. The ego of a young man who tries to date a girl he has literally invested no time in forming a friendship with is insulting and shocking. This is speaking as a mother who has sought painstakingly to train my daughters and son that they need to be worth a lot to someone else, especially my son. A daughter is a precious gift and a young man has to have a great deal to offer her and her father in particular if they are minded as we are. Pride goes before a fall, and serious pride issues come into play when a young man thinks he is all that and a bag of chips, when he is actually not even a whole chip as far as anyone knows. Do not think more highly of yourself than you ought for crying out loud!

Each of the sexes needs to be the best they can be and pursue the Lord fully. When they have as much to offer someone else as they can for their stage of life, they should THEN see who is available around them, running in the same direction, and go from there, ideally with the young man making the first move, but girls, give a guy some clear encouragement. It is not easy for a guy to take the step of asking. Let him know you are inclined toward him. Girls, see #2.  

Pro tip young men: be very close to being able to financially provide for your sought- after wife, or there already, when you feel you are ready to look and see who is pursuing God the same as you and take that next step into romance. 

Nota bene: the Mister says that all of this changes if the girl actually likes the guy asking. Stay tuned for an amendment to this post! 

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